where is my mind, not sure one minute it is up next it is down, neither of which i really like at the moment, why do i need other people to want me i do not know if i even want them to like me i just want them to need me have sabataged many a friend ship by my needeness and i am not sure if i stoped the friendship or they stoped it

was looking on friends face book status and had wished him a happy birthday he said thankyou but called some else darling this made me feel sad thisis a completly inappropriate response iknow this and you know this but why do i feel like this.

but the problemis i go that is a odd tway of thinking and this makes me even sadder forthinking like that
when i became loopy,hyperactive i want people to notice me but i do not have an of switch how do i get an of switch. am really scared i have some type of mental illnes besides garden variety depression and anxiety. wanted to be noticed at school somtimes iused to cry on the school outing in the hope that one of the teachers would notice me and askwhat was the matter. the thing is i did not now except i hated mysefl and felt issolated fromother people m(having a hearing impairment that my parents reffused to aknnowledge di not help in this missed so many conversations and got the wrongendof the stick it was not funny,people probably tried to befreind me but i did not always understand) have hearing aids now and my friendsno when i have notgot my ears in. yes i have friends now i am 48 and have not had a sexual relationship except once and that was notreally a relation ship that was aone of


how cani expect am man to love me if icannothonestly say i love my self howcan people like me if i donot allaways like myself am scared of other people rejecting me but how canthey not when i reject my self


what happens is this i get high on life and really loopy then i fall in a heap spend several days crying then foreever trying to get up again, until next time somtimes it takes a few moths befroe ifall lately it has been about 2 week and this timeis taking longer to get back up little things just trigger me work does not help having a person underming you continulaay does not help and then to discover that one of you colleagues went to her and told her about somthing i supposedly did on face book makes me mad especially whrn she then went a spoke to my very lovely job sharing colleague and told her some one needed to talk to me (ok imentioned on face book to a friend that myself and another girl had swaped a shift, not mention of the place of work what shift it was not patients were mentioned what the fuckwas wrong with that) well to be yelled at in front ofothers was not ideal doe sthis make sense

i know people are dying have divorces ill health family issues and my litle problems are not that important, this again makes me evenmadder at my self for not being able manage my life why can i not seemto make sense of my life i want to be healthy iwant to be fit i want to be strong i want to love myself and i want to not feellike i am pushing people away and i want to be able to laugh at my slef but i donot want to be loopy seeing gp tuesday and psychologist next week i am a survivor and i will survive but i need to take time for myself and learn to love

how can i be in a healthy relationship if i have som amny questions to be awnswered

sabotage again

a few weeks ago my weight was coming down, made a plan that by birthday the end of august i would be 79.9 kg and by my pts birthday in mid july i would be 82.5 was 84.2 at the time my weight has not gone down it is creeping up (85.1) i now this is not a big change but with the amount of exercise i do it should be coming down why is it not, diet and only diet.

it is like i get close to a mini goal and i never make it i do not think i deliberitly sabotage it is not like i binge eat but i am scared of success and by failing at my weight loss i now it is ok to fail at life, and that it is ok to be the class clown, but i am also scared that if i reach a certain weight people will leave me as i wont need them any more, i might not need them any more as well which is somthing i had not thought about before, the thought that I MIGHT NEED THEM ANY MORE has never really crossed my mind i need to be needed but do need to have people ok this is a thought that i may have to think about

was talking with my pt some one how i have had for three years and he said that normally people only stay about 3 - 6 months then they are ready to move on, i am not ready to move on from him but i also have a major fear of rejection and people not wanting me any more but ithen become attached to them in an unhealthy way. he was telling me today of his knee and it sounds serious and i was really scared he would not be around for a while and i felt panic that he was going and would not be there, then we were speaking of my diet which whilst on a whole is good i still make stupid choices and i asked if i frustrated him the answer was yes i work harder then most people in that gym but i sabotage it each time

why do i do this fear lack of self esteem self worth i do not know also i think about food continually do people do this and i also think that when i get old where will i get my snacks from when i in a nursing home is this normal to think about where i am going to get food from in my old age i amterrified i am going tobe alone with no one to love me i am alsoscared that if some did love me would i be able tolove back have igot the abiliy to be in a relationship i am 48 and never had one why i am terrified thatpeople will find thereis nothing between my brain soi hide behind humor and being the class clown

what haapened today i became high on sugar not a good thing became loopy then woosh the fall i knew the fall was going to come it is like when i amhappy i get to exicted then i fall

is it ok to be proud

last night was feeling well and my mind was were it should be, had planned to go to bed at 2130 and meditate, somthing i have not done for a while, but the mind decided to come out and play, why cause my flat mate came home and does not like to talk ab out her tennis game and i have heard she is good. this lead me to thinking about how proud i felt after my mini triatholon series last year, for me to actulaly sign up was a big thing and i really enjoyed them and came firsst in my age group (45-49) ok i was the only one in that age group and i did come like 3rd to last but i did it 2min faster then my goal that was set by my pt and about 10 min faster then my goal so i was proud even got a cup which i proudly showed at work the following day and at my gym, and whilst i did not tell everyone at the gym i was soon knownas the girl who did triatholons all of which made me proud. i am not a natural athelte but work damm hard to achive what i do.

why did i get confused last night i kept thinking that maybe this was not somthing i should be sharing with people and that i should keep it to myself until i actually have achieved somthing. but i did achieve and i am proud so i am going to shout it form the roof tops

i did not eat my feelings, instead i put it on twitter (thankyou aussie leo for you response) and emailed a really goood mentor of mine went to sleep and woke up with the will to achive even greater things,i am not competing against anyone my goal are mine and i will be proud.

do i do i not

hi is out of the fire into the flammes. am moving out of my current accomadation share rental (for the last 15 years) and buying a house with my sister. but in the mean time and moving in with my sister in her rental house to save money (rent free)we are not that close and she knows none of my secrets and we do not really socialize, but we have the same child hood, though she had friends and i did not she was popular and i was not, god thinking about this makes me sad but there is one thing i can argue with her and she is my sister so she isnot allowed to hate me for that and i can tell her to cleanup her mess. the plan is to rent for six months wilst i save money about 600 a fortnight and get more money for the deposit. then we will but together looking for a larger house sowe have are own space and twobathrooms are a must.

she is quite controling over me and feels she can tell me how to dress do my hair (remember i am 47 and a year older then her) so it is a good move to move in butiam going to make sure i maintain my independence and identidy,

growing up she was always the more beautiful and slimmer and my parents wanted me to look like her what am i thinking still confused but is it to late the wheels are in motion and i have to move out of my current accomadation the girl i share with is driving me insane, hope fully are friendship will rekindle when we donot see each other every day but i am thinking it will just evapeorte which will be very sad, soi hope it does not. my sister will always be my sister wether i live with her or not so i will buy a house with her does not mean it has to be fore ever thankyou for listening

week 1

hi week one starts this week of the 12wbt what does this mean, it means commitment from me to achieve my goals it means giving up choclate,chips and cakes it means regular exercise it means getting out side my comfort zone and actually ahieving weight los.Most of all it means being organzied and that means shopping and taking my lunch to work and eating breakfast before 1000

can i loose 15 kg in 12 week, i will give it a crack and if i fail i will now that i gave it every thing.

an interesting thing when i am upset i can write and write usually from the heart and not very well thought out but when iam not upset depressed frustrated then the writtng does not happen, so this is a way to gauge my emotions at the moment they are on an even keel, feeling a bit scared about finishing the 12wbt and the final party not really good with strangers tend to become tounge tied and come over looking a bit slow when in reality i have a very odd sense of humor and love to dance and giggle so why am igetting stressed about somthing that may or may not happen i am not sure but this is what i do so maybe my goal should be just to go and have fun. every one seems to have found people to support them, again a very selfish thought cause it is not true and i have found plenty of support on the forumns and twitter plus i have lovely friends so this is the begining of week one and i wishmy self luck and as it does not come downtoluck i willworkhard and this is the promise to my self

more musings

why do i think that other people life is attached to mine, and why do i think my actions affect other people.

it is this thinking that gets me into trouble because i then get really upset on how i think people feel when they way they feel has usually nothing to do with me.
this makes sense now but in the heat of the moment it does not stop me from feeling this way

was sitting on the floor in my home office, which also acts a a junk room and a store room and was going through my files having decided it is time to get them in order. as i was looking at my business files it hit me that i was closing my personal training business, this made me sad, but not in a bad way but in a way that said you gave it a go, you learnt a lot and will always have that experience which is better then not have trying at all.

i am a nurse i enjoy the interaction between my patients and i am self motivated and can organize myself love learning new things and as rural liasion can make a difference to peoples lives.

but i also enjoy working on my own fitness and discussing with other people changes they can make in there lives, but find it frustrating that people still say they do not have time to exercise or they are to tired. this is my soap box and until people realize this for themselve i will be banging my head against a brick wall.

but saying this two vey important people to me both personal trainers have spent hours discussing diet with me exercise has never been an issue but my diet has been it has taken a lot of soul searching and tears and tantrums and i have almost got it worked out. thank you to the people who have helped me you knowwho you are.

why did i open my pt business, have been thinking for ages that there was something else out there, have been a nurse since 1981 and felt i had not really had a chance to explore other options even though i have worked in many areas in my career and completed two post grad certificates i felt that had to be more out there this was my most comom refrain, but what i did not know was that i could have explored any options but would it have made me happy no it would not have cause i was empty, still am at times but have learnt how to fill my self up and food is not the answer.


also learnt another thing this became clear to me the other day, when i am feeling sad or angry do not look to other people to cheer you up this infact on those days it is best to stay away from people cause then i wont hate them for not understanding i need them to make me happy i need my self and just because some one is grumpy or upset or not talking that does not mean they hate me.

i still have not yet worked out how to rectify this way of thinking but i do know that when i wake up out of sorts probably not the best time to be around people and i should probably keep quiet and find a warm spot and meditate

the business is closing, were to now - life will go on i will continue my journey to become a stronger me and be the best nurse i can be. i will also contiue to strive in my personal fitness and become that athelte that people tell me am.

experinces of a cyclist

cycling, not my plan for this holiday, but it has bee thrust upon medue to lack of water yes you need to check the water inacare, i didnot. what happens your car burns up much like we doif we drink no water , and idonot drink eough living in a constant state of dehydration.

so car is having a holiday and needs a new enginig argh money that i do not have.

so i am cycingevery where thanakfully i am a triathelte but somthing you needo now lights are invaluable especially if you want to cycle at night, i did that through the city the other night in peak hour with no lights and along the torrens at dark is not nice, a pair of gloves to protect your hands when you fall of have not done that yet, but it will probably happen one day. a reflector wet jacket for those wet days and night(it is winter) a back pack for all the things you need to carry note to self buy a tyre inflator (for got what they are called) and may be a bell for people who do not see me and have ear plugs in also know as music.

love life live life and take every challange as somthing to experince and make you deeper person. currently i am centered and feeling the effects ofjoy of living will thislast,probably notwe do not live in a static environemnt will i want to cry and rage and feel sorry for myself you bet i will but i have learnt the skills needed in my life to get me through the good and bad will i need help in the future do we not all need help at some time in our life, iknow were to find it know. and i also know were not to find it, this in it self is perhaps the most important revelation. the meaning of life i can not give thAT to you but i know the meaning and worthof my own life and that is the most important. look inside yourself and you to will find it, a good psychologist can also help you ask that question and a good mate will listen to you ask the questions and find the answers your slef.

retreart

revelatins galore this weekend, have been on retreat what an experince, silince but not in an uncomfortable way. meditation yoga and vegiatarein food. introspection, perhaps not the goal of retret but for me a worthwhile exercises.

have been on a very long and at time arduors journey. have learnt al lot about myself, but if twelve months ago you told me that every one goes through the same things and every ones has problems i wouled not have believed you and felt that you were belittling my issues and not truley understanding how much i was hurting to belive that i would actulally feel better even up to a month ago was not in my psyche i was to busy surviivng but things are begining to come around. and ican honselty say i like my self but this has not allways been true

an incidence on retreat really bought this home to me, there was a women who was obviosly going through somthing hard and i felt like i had been her, tears dopeed anger was felt and feeling of isolation abounded, been there done that but if any one told me it was normal and every one felt it i would have been angry and would probably have left ( not probably i would have left driven out of there gone on a loong drive and then have come back, escape was my main goal escape from myself and a situation i felt uncomfertable in i did it and i did it better then most, leaving a room is what i did best) but this has finished now and i embrace situations as they come.

so what i have i learnt,it is about choice not control, this ihave fought with for a very long time evengetting i to arguments about it, but most importantly have learnt about contentment, som thing i felt was nota goal,feeling that contentment was somthing you achived only at the end of life but have realized if i wait this long to be content with my achivemnet it will be to late just because i am content with my achivments doe not mean i will not strive for more,whilst happines which i thought was somthing you should be able to acheive is unattainable 24/7 but a fleeting moment of joy that ahould be savoured

cannot promise i will be level all the time but i can try so any one going through there own journey live it love it and saviour avery moment cause these moments make you who you are and iwould not give up any thing i havegone through cause it makes me who i am and that is me.

hi all been away for a while, have been experimenting with food, intrestingly if i introduce carbs as my main source of energy i gain weight if protein and veg are my main source i loose weight, so i really should stop experimenting and go with what i know work protein and veg (which interestingly are a carb)

had a beaultiful bowel of home made muesi, frozen berries and youghurt, of to the markest via tram today.

highlightof the week was my triatholon, could have been a disaster but was a success in more ways then one

the night before like all good elite atheles i checked my equiipment, flat yes so took to the garrage to pump up, augh they are now completly flat, ring every one i know,only one person maybe able to help but he was out and had a really fancy racing bike with fancy wheels so was not sure, drove around looking for a shop or petrol that sold bike pumps getting really upset and agitated looked longenly at the food could have bought a truck load and bingied my way through this crisis but did not (success)


eventual my mate rang justas i was reaching despair and i took my bike to his place, it was all good crisis averted (ok i know i could probably had found some with a bike pump at the triatholon the next day but that would have been risky and i may have had seveal panic attacks between then)

triatolon was excellent, eight weeks of private swiming lessons paid of swam like a pro came out of the water with energy to burn and not last felt good found my bike in transition helemet on glasses on shes on still not last perhaps ahead of somewho got ou of the water before me, jumped on bike, about a 1km into ride feeling strong over took a person (10year old boy) my shoes laces got stuck in the peddels disaster
had tosop and extridite my self mean while was over taken lesson learnt, do up you shoe laces in double knots

was vey wet feet kept slipping of peddles and road slippery but finally finished, put bike back and commenced run, fele like lead but knew it was less then 10 minutes to the finish so i plodded along smiled at the marshall gave him a wave over took some one told her she was doing well and it was nearly finished found that last minute kick and flew over the finish line fantastic race and very proud of my self new pb set, bring on the big boys next year i am hooked

12 wbt update

have been doing the 12 wbt for two weeks now major changes not in the exercise cause this was already part of my life (5 to 6 per week - including 1 pt session combination of cardio and weights for the last5 years and seeing results) but eating has never been my strongest talent.

used to feel i was being controlled by people in all aspects of my life so in some type of reverse eating disorder i went ok you can control me how much you want but you can not control what goesin my mouth. and when ever i was complimented that i was loosing weight i looked upon this as i them controlling me so i bought a family size pack of chips and took them to my bed and ate them, during family holidays (my family weree my biggest controllers i always found time to get away from them so i could go to hungry jacks or some where used to love going to maccas for breakfast, get up early whilst the reat of the family where sleeping get a couple of sausage mucfuins and has browns eat them whilst driving then come home and eat breakfast)


over the last 12 months have learnt choice is better then control, used to argue with people that being in control over a situation was my main goal in life, you can not be in control 24/7 and you can not control people but you can choose how you respond to them

back to the 12 wbt have been following the eating plan not religioulsy but using it as guide line about how much to eat, what to eat and and have lost weight and as another thing my bowel actions have been regular must be all the lentils and zucchini

but the resource for the future is invaluable iam one of those people who can never work out what to eat and goes shoping and never actually buys food to eat,or throws out vegies every week so making the choice to be organized is in the long term give me the control i desire and the choices i need also it will ave a fortune in money instead of 7 dollars for morning tea and 10 dollars for lunch 5 days a week (add that up)

do not get me started on cost of health and fitness (it is to quote a well known add "priceless")

it is happening

was so excited to day have been trying to get backto 86 kg since november but it was not happening, managed to get 86 back in august of 2009 but sabataged and got back up to 90 by xmas but today i was 86.6 and i will never see 90 again. the secret is portion size and exercise


this last week has been very intersting, was burnt out and over training, and injuries were occuring over the last month or so.

had been working very hard on my fitness and running running and more running, as well as cycling and heavy weight sessions. did a triatholon (my second) and my back went into major spasams i streched it out but it was sore, entered my triatholon, did a personal best but forgot to get the back checked. also found my legs would no longer run whatever i did had got downn from 7.30min to 5.30min for the 1 km over the last two months) still worked hard at the gym and was lifting excellent weights and working really hard on the upper body, giving the legs a rest. but then the back went........so had a week of the gym and then just as i was improving did my back again, then got a virus what am i trying to say, the last two weeks my exercise has beeen only half paced but i have gone form 88.6 to 86.6 and it has been diet and portion control, my pt has been on at me for ages to look at this and i have tried but i never relly knew what to eat, ( he gave me a great reciepe for roastpumkin salas) so i joined the michelle bridges 12 week body transformation challange and do not have to think what i will have for dinner or lunch it is all there and the recipes will be a life line for years to come

even though i have not been able to train as i want i have still been able to loose and it is all due to portion control and healthy eating.

this is me continues

had an intersting discusion with my sister a couple of months ago, she founfd out i was eeing a psychologist and questioned why, mentioning that one of the reasons she left home was cause she did not like the way my father treated me as she found it disturbing, she was not emotionally abused not even phsically hurt in any way but she thought i asked to many questions which is were i got in to trouble. she also asked if i was sexually abused (no i was not sexually abused) to this day she feels she has to protect me form some people.

discused with her moving in together and expressed the name trishy (i hate it makes me feel like a two year old) she will continue to call me this but not introduce me as such. and we will have are own spaces and i promise not to hit her or throw things at her ( i tend to throw things when i am angry must discuss this with my therapist)

so questioning is good keeping people happy is not a healthy for me.

THIS IS ME

have had a intersting break through thismorning, i have an almost pathological need for people to be happy, spent all of my child hoodwanting to keepmy father happy, therefore my life would be easier, but i also liked to question why. the two do not go hand in hand. MY GOD i was to scared to have a showewr as a teenager at night just in case some thing happened and people were not happy when i got back and did not know why not condusive to a happy child hood or calm teenager, why did no one notice i was so unhappy and anxious, kept waiting for some one to ask me but no one did. I eventually asked for h

why should asking why get you in to trouble? do i have to keep the peace even as an adult, no i do not think so. other wise i have to eat anad eating has not yet solved anything except to make me uncomfertable and frightened to go to shopsand beauty counters cause i am undeserving, well this is all changing. i stillsee myself as the fat girl but this is no longer true,i am a triathelete and a normal size person(a large normalsize but not grossly fat) to be honest ido not thinkiwas every grossly fat (105kg 5 foot 3) obese but not grossly fat.

i am body

this is an abridged copy of story i wrote some years ago called "i am body"

hi my name is body and my owner expects me to do things that i can not always do she wants me to run and concentrate, but how can i do this when she does not feed me. so she gets mad with me and feeds me sugar i get really quick and she likes this so she eats more sugar but this then makes me tired and shaky which upsets her even more.

if my owner wants me to do the things she wants like drive a car without crashing, concentrate on her work keep awake and work really hard at the gym so she run her triathlons she needs to feed me good food and not starve me in the morning, eating at midnight does not help i like to store that food as big fat fluffy cushions but again she gets mad at me,she does not like big fluffy white cushions i do not know why they make the chair softer.

so if my owner wants to be happy with me she needs to treat me right cause i donot think she has another body, and you only get one chance with the one you have

i am me not you

back again, and i found spell check, who am i?

the basics age 47, so close to 50

virgo being a perfectionist is crap (can i say that on my blog)

i can do what ever i set my mind on and this mind is pretty messed up but is slowly untangling it self

triathelete- does this mean i am skinny and fit, fitter the some yes skinny no have about 20kg to loose (better then 40)but i am aiming for 15kg

i am many other things, friend sister daughter (do not get me started on that one)this is annoymous i hope cause i donot want anyone to know wno i am by name uless i have invited you here personally

also flat mate soon to be home owner with my sister my psychologist is not to sure about that one, but then neither am i,

love that this thingauto saves,would hate to write this again cause it never sounds themsame again the second time


what else am i nurse, pesonal trainer, lover(if only)

do i like my self yes would you like me i hope so but it is not that important would i like you i hope so especially if you are reading my thoughts but it is not importnat this is not about you it is about me

see you all nextt time

i am me not you

this is my blog not yours so it will have my thoughts and no body elses. who am i? is that important to me it is yes but to you only the basics are needed for know as the relationship continues you will know more about me, maybe more then you really ever wanted to know. i am truly anaoymous (also spelling is not strong thing and this does not have spell check)