where is my mind, not sure one minute it is up next it is down, neither of which i really like at the moment, why do i need other people to want me i do not know if i even want them to like me i just want them to need me have sabataged many a friend ship by my needeness and i am not sure if i stoped the friendship or they stoped it

was looking on friends face book status and had wished him a happy birthday he said thankyou but called some else darling this made me feel sad thisis a completly inappropriate response iknow this and you know this but why do i feel like this.

but the problemis i go that is a odd tway of thinking and this makes me even sadder forthinking like that
when i became loopy,hyperactive i want people to notice me but i do not have an of switch how do i get an of switch. am really scared i have some type of mental illnes besides garden variety depression and anxiety. wanted to be noticed at school somtimes iused to cry on the school outing in the hope that one of the teachers would notice me and askwhat was the matter. the thing is i did not now except i hated mysefl and felt issolated fromother people m(having a hearing impairment that my parents reffused to aknnowledge di not help in this missed so many conversations and got the wrongendof the stick it was not funny,people probably tried to befreind me but i did not always understand) have hearing aids now and my friendsno when i have notgot my ears in. yes i have friends now i am 48 and have not had a sexual relationship except once and that was notreally a relation ship that was aone of


how cani expect am man to love me if icannothonestly say i love my self howcan people like me if i donot allaways like myself am scared of other people rejecting me but how canthey not when i reject my self


what happens is this i get high on life and really loopy then i fall in a heap spend several days crying then foreever trying to get up again, until next time somtimes it takes a few moths befroe ifall lately it has been about 2 week and this timeis taking longer to get back up little things just trigger me work does not help having a person underming you continulaay does not help and then to discover that one of you colleagues went to her and told her about somthing i supposedly did on face book makes me mad especially whrn she then went a spoke to my very lovely job sharing colleague and told her some one needed to talk to me (ok imentioned on face book to a friend that myself and another girl had swaped a shift, not mention of the place of work what shift it was not patients were mentioned what the fuckwas wrong with that) well to be yelled at in front ofothers was not ideal doe sthis make sense

i know people are dying have divorces ill health family issues and my litle problems are not that important, this again makes me evenmadder at my self for not being able manage my life why can i not seemto make sense of my life i want to be healthy iwant to be fit i want to be strong i want to love myself and i want to not feellike i am pushing people away and i want to be able to laugh at my slef but i donot want to be loopy seeing gp tuesday and psychologist next week i am a survivor and i will survive but i need to take time for myself and learn to love

how can i be in a healthy relationship if i have som amny questions to be awnswered