this morning i was in the shower, and the water was running down my hair, when i had a flash back to my paste, was 19 years old just started my training as a nurse and we where going to be capped this day... my hair has never been neat i have very thick but baby fine hair that basically has a mind of it own, this particualarly day my mother decided no daughter of hers was going to look straggley so she cut it that morning, why did i let her- was getting her individed attention at the moment somthing i never really had. this got me to thinking of my realationship with my mother - basically it is non extitince we have nothing in commen and those times we have been in the same room or car by are selves i never really know what to say to her, i found her annoying at times.. her normal response to any statement about what i am wearing is the young one ones all wear that now - one i am 48 and two i like to think i have an individual style. my mother just sits there during conversations as a family and makes absolutly no comments, its very odd haave asked her why she just says she likess to listen.. but then she tries so hard to be obliging if some one commetns on her art and craft stuff next thing i knew growing up was she was making it for them, this sounds very selfish i realize but we never devloped that mother daughter realtaionship is this my fault or is it hers, but i never really felt protected by my mother and as result have formed a barrier to stop myself from hurting,she annoys me and my parents both my mother and father are people i see as an obligation for me this is the only safe way i can manage my realtionship with them
this also got me to thinking of my relatonship with women in general, i never had aclsoe female friend growing up, and i fewl this has in so me way affected my relationship with females in general am learning to trust them and i blessed with some lovely female friends now
as for my hair, well my hair is window to how i am feeling, if my hair behaves i usually am felling good if my hair is crazy i am usually feeling abit out of control, when it is lank i usally am feeling lank yiu get the oicture, its like my soul is attached to my hair, the time it always feel right is when i am at the gym and its pony tail is boping along then i feel great
so from a shower this morning i decided that my relationship with my mother was going to ruin my day and bring up all the fears i have of women in senior positions (note i say female they terrify me and make me feel small) had thought i had gotten over this but in a period of weakness and perhaps tieredness all this came to the fore spent the day in a daze of nearly tears, and headachey not a pleasent feeling
but i think i get it now i let myself get carried away with old ways of thinking not my new way of thinking. so ok it happpend today but i am on track again, this tiime span is getting smaller between the thought and the resoltution, in the past its taken me weeks if not months to realize it is just a thought and not a reality
so thankoyu for listening
patricia
Friday, August 5, 2011
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
august 3 2011
day 3 of blogger challange
was an interestin day today train the trainer for chronic disease self managment - flinders programme
my 3 minute presentation was on motivational interviewing- i really did not know how i was going to get the message across, so decided to tell my story and how i floated in the change cycle and how being aware of where some one is in the change cycle is important before trying to get the person to see change is needed. there where times when people pointing out to me that i was making changes but i could do this or i was looking really well managed to out me back a few steps
was very interesting telling my story i am lived the example of chronic disease self managment, was told i was brave sharing this story but for me it was not a choice it was riped to be told and it worked so well when trying to discuss how motivational interviewing can work but needs to be done with care and knowledge of where the client is up to,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
was an interestin day today train the trainer for chronic disease self managment - flinders programme
my 3 minute presentation was on motivational interviewing- i really did not know how i was going to get the message across, so decided to tell my story and how i floated in the change cycle and how being aware of where some one is in the change cycle is important before trying to get the person to see change is needed. there where times when people pointing out to me that i was making changes but i could do this or i was looking really well managed to out me back a few steps
was very interesting telling my story i am lived the example of chronic disease self managment, was told i was brave sharing this story but for me it was not a choice it was riped to be told and it worked so well when trying to discuss how motivational interviewing can work but needs to be done with care and knowledge of where the client is up to,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
august 2 2011
hi welcome to my day
spent most of it in work shop train the trainer, i am not sure they trained me to train anything, the chronic care model was gone through but no hints on actulaly running a group or how to actual train people, maybe i was expecting the wrong thing, in fact it was not really until the end of the day i was clear on what was expected of us and that was because i aked the question, we are going to be critiqued on the way we run are session, i have given talks before and i have been told i do them well even though i have been "shitting" myself i find that humor works for me. but i have never presented some one elses own work in a strucutred way. we are sctually presenting part of a very structured two day workshop......
maybe humor will get me out of this one,,, i have the motivational interview technique to present ??????
in other news was in the shops trying to get cereal for breakfast and some youghurt but i also found my self drolling at the cakes and the self saucing puddings, decided to have a blue berry self saucing oudding for dinne (nothing else) but decided it was to much hard work cause i also needed eggs???? so put it down passed the cream cakes in the bakery (and i do not even like cream cakes) would have bought one but kept on walking.
came home stood looking in the empty cupboard and screamed i want biscut i want cake i want bread was looking for somthing soft and creamy and stodgey but instead ate my lite and easy seafood pasta and some youghurt with a sprinkle of cereal.... still want cake and bread will see how i feel on tomorrow and if stilll craving somthing soft and gooey may buy a cake eat two mouth fuls then step on it and throw in bin
but for now i had better prepare my presentation for tomorrow
speak later
patricia
spent most of it in work shop train the trainer, i am not sure they trained me to train anything, the chronic care model was gone through but no hints on actulaly running a group or how to actual train people, maybe i was expecting the wrong thing, in fact it was not really until the end of the day i was clear on what was expected of us and that was because i aked the question, we are going to be critiqued on the way we run are session, i have given talks before and i have been told i do them well even though i have been "shitting" myself i find that humor works for me. but i have never presented some one elses own work in a strucutred way. we are sctually presenting part of a very structured two day workshop......
maybe humor will get me out of this one,,, i have the motivational interview technique to present ??????
in other news was in the shops trying to get cereal for breakfast and some youghurt but i also found my self drolling at the cakes and the self saucing puddings, decided to have a blue berry self saucing oudding for dinne (nothing else) but decided it was to much hard work cause i also needed eggs???? so put it down passed the cream cakes in the bakery (and i do not even like cream cakes) would have bought one but kept on walking.
came home stood looking in the empty cupboard and screamed i want biscut i want cake i want bread was looking for somthing soft and creamy and stodgey but instead ate my lite and easy seafood pasta and some youghurt with a sprinkle of cereal.... still want cake and bread will see how i feel on tomorrow and if stilll craving somthing soft and gooey may buy a cake eat two mouth fuls then step on it and throw in bin
but for now i had better prepare my presentation for tomorrow
speak later
patricia
Monday, August 1, 2011
august one 2011
have set my self a challange of blogging each day for the month of august
starting weight 70.5 kg 35% body fat height 161cm
goal weight for 31.8.2011 67kg not sure how much body fat i can loose cause i have neve really paid much attention to that measurment???
brilliant day today, what more can i say.
work ticked all the boxes- find it is better when i am left alone and do not have to worry about all the different personalities, especially those that are on a pwer trip at the moment, thankfully i am in the position to be able to shut my office and ignore them if i want.....
but the highlight of my day was the personal training session i had didnot wear a HRM but i can tell you i burnt heaps especially on the bike 3 x 2min sprints on the bike alone equalled 90 cals in 6 min not bad. but what with weights session and everything else you can imagine and the versa climber (my all time favorite peice of eqiupment) and finishing of with 10 minutes on the bike 5 min down on level 13 and 5 mins up at level 19 i was spent by the end of the session
so what i am i going to get from this blog, well it depends on my day my mood and what takes my fancey so this is my life it can be boring it can be a bit crazy and i can get a bit odd but it is me and i hope you enjoy it if you have any comments feel free to share
highlights to look forward to tomorrow i am going on a 2 day workshop train the trainer wich is going to take me out of my comfort zone but am strangley looking forward to it so see you tomorrow
patricia
starting weight 70.5 kg 35% body fat height 161cm
goal weight for 31.8.2011 67kg not sure how much body fat i can loose cause i have neve really paid much attention to that measurment???
brilliant day today, what more can i say.
work ticked all the boxes- find it is better when i am left alone and do not have to worry about all the different personalities, especially those that are on a pwer trip at the moment, thankfully i am in the position to be able to shut my office and ignore them if i want.....
but the highlight of my day was the personal training session i had didnot wear a HRM but i can tell you i burnt heaps especially on the bike 3 x 2min sprints on the bike alone equalled 90 cals in 6 min not bad. but what with weights session and everything else you can imagine and the versa climber (my all time favorite peice of eqiupment) and finishing of with 10 minutes on the bike 5 min down on level 13 and 5 mins up at level 19 i was spent by the end of the session
so what i am i going to get from this blog, well it depends on my day my mood and what takes my fancey so this is my life it can be boring it can be a bit crazy and i can get a bit odd but it is me and i hope you enjoy it if you have any comments feel free to share
highlights to look forward to tomorrow i am going on a 2 day workshop train the trainer wich is going to take me out of my comfort zone but am strangley looking forward to it so see you tomorrow
patricia
Saturday, July 16, 2011
i reached 70 what now
three and half years a go my goal was to reach 70 kg, a loss of 40 kg for those who know me they will know this has not been a walk in the park, but when has any ones weight loss been easy, so i am not saying my loss was special but it was special to me. i have come along way since i walked into the gym and said i want to be loose 40kg by august (i meant the august of 2008 not 2011)
but i have done it my thougths was that a 40 plus women heading rapidly to 50 i did not want to be onew of these people having to maintain her weight all the time for me 70 seemed doable and maintainable - please note at 161 cm i would still be like 7 kg over weight. but i thought at the time it would be a majic number
see i used 'thought at the time' times have changed my goals have changed.
i have reached 70 did it about 6 weeks ago and i became bored and wanted to enjoy being 70 so i stoppped watching what i ate from a strickt point of view i still did eat healthy except from an interesting binge i had the other day did not binge cause i was bored lonely upset angry i was lazy...
i have maintained a weight of 70-72 kg for six weeks have been told on numerous occasions on a daily basis i look good and when i say i still have 10 to go they look at me and say no you will be to skinny, this makes me angry so i smile and say thankyou but i am doing it if i want to achive my personal goals
whioch brings us back to know i have been injured the last 10 weeks first of all a calf injury due to over training, and then just getting over the calf i ramped ip my running from 1 km to 6km unfortunatly my back decided it was not going to join in so again i was grounded, please note during these times i was still training but at a reduced intensity.
so what is going to happen now
my goal is to run the adelaide half marathon in 2012 to enter and be competitve in the tim man triatholons in 2011-12 this year, to do this i need to be at least 65 kg
i M lso going to be applying for a new position to follow my dream of being slef employed independent practioner --- this is a five year plan and i am studying towards this as we speak
am working witha fantastic trainer whi knows me very well my strenghts and weakness
and i have learnt about my self
i am determined i am strong and persistent i am also an atractive women am reachinf a certain age i am also soft and loveable i amlike my favorite choclates the fan tale soft on the out side but as stong as nails on the inside
so yes i am at my goal but goals change i have enjoyed and found out that i can maintain 70 with indulging with in reason so there is no reason to ever get above this weight again.
but 62 is my goal know that is 8 -10 kg to loose so if i remember what i did when is was 80 kg and put it into motion like i did then so have beene there and done it once infact i have done it four times 110- 100 100-90 90-80 80-70 nothing has changed but everything has changed
my goals have stayed the same to be the best version of me that i can be to like myself and have fun whilst doing it
are you ready cause i am sure ready
but i have done it my thougths was that a 40 plus women heading rapidly to 50 i did not want to be onew of these people having to maintain her weight all the time for me 70 seemed doable and maintainable - please note at 161 cm i would still be like 7 kg over weight. but i thought at the time it would be a majic number
see i used 'thought at the time' times have changed my goals have changed.
i have reached 70 did it about 6 weeks ago and i became bored and wanted to enjoy being 70 so i stoppped watching what i ate from a strickt point of view i still did eat healthy except from an interesting binge i had the other day did not binge cause i was bored lonely upset angry i was lazy...
i have maintained a weight of 70-72 kg for six weeks have been told on numerous occasions on a daily basis i look good and when i say i still have 10 to go they look at me and say no you will be to skinny, this makes me angry so i smile and say thankyou but i am doing it if i want to achive my personal goals
whioch brings us back to know i have been injured the last 10 weeks first of all a calf injury due to over training, and then just getting over the calf i ramped ip my running from 1 km to 6km unfortunatly my back decided it was not going to join in so again i was grounded, please note during these times i was still training but at a reduced intensity.
so what is going to happen now
my goal is to run the adelaide half marathon in 2012 to enter and be competitve in the tim man triatholons in 2011-12 this year, to do this i need to be at least 65 kg
i M lso going to be applying for a new position to follow my dream of being slef employed independent practioner --- this is a five year plan and i am studying towards this as we speak
am working witha fantastic trainer whi knows me very well my strenghts and weakness
and i have learnt about my self
i am determined i am strong and persistent i am also an atractive women am reachinf a certain age i am also soft and loveable i amlike my favorite choclates the fan tale soft on the out side but as stong as nails on the inside
so yes i am at my goal but goals change i have enjoyed and found out that i can maintain 70 with indulging with in reason so there is no reason to ever get above this weight again.
but 62 is my goal know that is 8 -10 kg to loose so if i remember what i did when is was 80 kg and put it into motion like i did then so have beene there and done it once infact i have done it four times 110- 100 100-90 90-80 80-70 nothing has changed but everything has changed
my goals have stayed the same to be the best version of me that i can be to like myself and have fun whilst doing it
are you ready cause i am sure ready
Saturday, July 9, 2011
secret eating secret shame
was readibg a fellow bloggers post on anorexia and eating disorders, this lead me to remembering my own eating disorder and triggered responses from others. yes secret eating is an eating disorder why others did it i do not know, but i know why i did it was a control issue. you can tell me what to do in wmy life but i can control what i put in my mouth sound familiar but instead of control my diet by not eating i controlled it by eating, usually in secret. other times when growing up i would send the family out of the kitchen dinning room with the offer to do the dishes, why so i could eat all the left overs they would not know. i never had my emmergency money when i was at school i ate it at macdonalds on the way home then had my dinner. after training as a young adult i would get hot chips to keep me companey on the walk home.
when i got my drivers liscene i allways offered to get the take away, this gave me an excuse to eat extra food on the way home, and then eat as per noraml for dinner. one occasion i went to a hamburger shop ordered what i thought was four hamburgers and chips, i ended up with ten rather then tell the person i wanted four not ten (yes i paid for them) i ate the extra six beofre home cause i was to scared to tell my famuily what happened and i was to scared to tell the shop assistance - i could have thrown them away but i ate them.......
when travelling i always found time to go of by myself so i could eat.....
when i fisrt started to loose weight about 6 years ago when ever people told me i was doing really well my first thought was you can not control me so i went shopping bought a paket of bbq shapes and some choclate and hid them in my bed room (was sharing a house at this stage) and ate them under my covers to prove no one controlled me
you get the picture, i could tell you more stories but for me it was control and contol is somthing i have learnt is somthing i can not control there are things i can and things i cannot i cannot control other people but i can control my reaction to them.
we all have a secret eating disorder i have many more, picinics was another fave of mine, they where usually private but they where not secret-- metwerst, cheese, pate and crackers but not one serve i would eat several. multiple serves of all of these. but i called them picinics
mid night snacks - ten or more slices of toast with cheese yum yum what about stoping after a late at work and getting two whooppers whith chips then going to bed and getting up at 0600/
my fave was hot chips and gravey at 1600 then falling asleep and figuring it was 1830 and time for dinner so having a whole family size pizza with garlic bread..
yep i had a few and i am sure you have a few stroires of your own
during high school buttered roll wiht chips was my fave recess snack folowed by a pastie or two at lunch
had better stop am feeling upset about what i did to myself i ma not this person any more secret eating is a thing of my past, but i still feel gulty if i eat crisps and feel like i am going to be judged
but as i said i can not control other peoples reactions but i can contol how i choose to react.////////////////////it is still a work in progress and somtimes i fell it would be so much easier to be fat but life is not about being easy it is about being the best version of me it is about steping out of my comfert zone it is about embrassing challanges it is about hugging as many people as i can find it as about living my life for me it is about me because it is my life it is also about supporting others like they supported me it is also about enjoyment so if i want to eat choclate get the best choclate ever made and eat with mindfullness if i want crisps do not gorge them in one mouth ful saviour the taste it is about not wasting time on things or people that bring me down it is about challanging my boundries it is not about secret shame it is about living shamlessley and about having fun whilst doing it i am reaching the seconed half of my century i have grafted and struggled now it is time to let loose and just enjoy life be who i am and follow my pathways will not call them dreams cause dreams are just that i am on the pathway to achieve what i want and yeo like most pathways it will have lumps and bumps and t junction but i don ot live in shame any more i donot live a secret life i live a life that is mine and only mine i will support those thaty want my support i will cheer on those i admire and i will always be here for my friends and i will never again eat a packet of bbq shapes under the covers and if some one sells my ten hamburgers i will question there hearing
when i got my drivers liscene i allways offered to get the take away, this gave me an excuse to eat extra food on the way home, and then eat as per noraml for dinner. one occasion i went to a hamburger shop ordered what i thought was four hamburgers and chips, i ended up with ten rather then tell the person i wanted four not ten (yes i paid for them) i ate the extra six beofre home cause i was to scared to tell my famuily what happened and i was to scared to tell the shop assistance - i could have thrown them away but i ate them.......
when travelling i always found time to go of by myself so i could eat.....
when i fisrt started to loose weight about 6 years ago when ever people told me i was doing really well my first thought was you can not control me so i went shopping bought a paket of bbq shapes and some choclate and hid them in my bed room (was sharing a house at this stage) and ate them under my covers to prove no one controlled me
you get the picture, i could tell you more stories but for me it was control and contol is somthing i have learnt is somthing i can not control there are things i can and things i cannot i cannot control other people but i can control my reaction to them.
we all have a secret eating disorder i have many more, picinics was another fave of mine, they where usually private but they where not secret-- metwerst, cheese, pate and crackers but not one serve i would eat several. multiple serves of all of these. but i called them picinics
mid night snacks - ten or more slices of toast with cheese yum yum what about stoping after a late at work and getting two whooppers whith chips then going to bed and getting up at 0600/
my fave was hot chips and gravey at 1600 then falling asleep and figuring it was 1830 and time for dinner so having a whole family size pizza with garlic bread..
yep i had a few and i am sure you have a few stroires of your own
during high school buttered roll wiht chips was my fave recess snack folowed by a pastie or two at lunch
had better stop am feeling upset about what i did to myself i ma not this person any more secret eating is a thing of my past, but i still feel gulty if i eat crisps and feel like i am going to be judged
but as i said i can not control other peoples reactions but i can contol how i choose to react.////////////////////it is still a work in progress and somtimes i fell it would be so much easier to be fat but life is not about being easy it is about being the best version of me it is about steping out of my comfert zone it is about embrassing challanges it is about hugging as many people as i can find it as about living my life for me it is about me because it is my life it is also about supporting others like they supported me it is also about enjoyment so if i want to eat choclate get the best choclate ever made and eat with mindfullness if i want crisps do not gorge them in one mouth ful saviour the taste it is about not wasting time on things or people that bring me down it is about challanging my boundries it is not about secret shame it is about living shamlessley and about having fun whilst doing it i am reaching the seconed half of my century i have grafted and struggled now it is time to let loose and just enjoy life be who i am and follow my pathways will not call them dreams cause dreams are just that i am on the pathway to achieve what i want and yeo like most pathways it will have lumps and bumps and t junction but i don ot live in shame any more i donot live a secret life i live a life that is mine and only mine i will support those thaty want my support i will cheer on those i admire and i will always be here for my friends and i will never again eat a packet of bbq shapes under the covers and if some one sells my ten hamburgers i will question there hearing
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
break down leading to break through
yesterday i got anxious had not felt that way for such a long time, maybe it was the excitment of last weeks party and meeting lots of beautiful people some of whom i have got to know really well on twitter to find they are just as wonderful in real life was amazing. i had a photo taken of me that shows me smiling and looking relaxed perhaps the best ever photot taken of me i looked good that never happens in photos. it was a photot i did not know was being taken so it makes it even more wonderful for me. the 12wbt party for me was not as good as the dinner on friday night, but i did enjoy it and again found the people i was looking for you know who you are i went looking for you and i love you all and your amazing people. my other goal was to hug as many people as possible if i hugged you thankyou for letting a crazy stranger do that, initiating hugs is not somthing i do.
on the friday aftere the party i suddnely became anxious and teary it was like i suddenly could not cope with people any more so i was very proud of my self i aknowledged this and spent saturday by myself ususally i would have sent so me very odd messages to some on who we will not name but i have deleted his phone number from by telephone. by tuesday i saw my psychologist was getting really anxious by this stage can not really say why but i felt like things where getting to the stage where i could no longer live with my self and do not mean ending my life i mean make the changes i am making to make me a more outgoing and confident person, my default position is i am not good enough the world does not know i exist i am invisable, a couple of things latly have shown me this is not true but when your head is telling you other wise it does not always get through
i could have hidden, infact that is what i am doing today, having a nice quiet day at home, but have made a time to see a good friend for coffe and a walk, this is becoming a wednesday ritual.
but what i did realize is that i am so close to reaching my goal of 70 kg a massive 40 kg loss in 3 and half years, but i had moved the goal post and was aiminng for 62 kg. so i felt i could not celbrate this loss (only 1.9 kg to go) this bothered me and after having a nap yesterday and going to a training session by the way when your feeling down and angry and anxious a really good personal trainer can make you feel really good about yourself) i aslo messaged a 12wbt buddy and asked her to help me thank you have decided to stop re jig my goal back to 70 kg celebrate and reflect when i get there this is a big one and one i reallly did not think would ever come i still have other goals but they can wait i want to aim for this one and rejoice and saviour it yell it from the roof tops to all thoses who doubted me.
thankyou for listening my demons are still there but i am learning to beawre of them they are my past and you can give you self new self dialouge its only words and they can change but it is being aware that you are using them that needs to be aknowledged
bullying is not allowed in school and the work place bullying is called spousal abuse in the home or child abuse so why should we allow bullying or abuse of ourselves by oursleves. my self tak was that no one was going to tell me of worst then i would tell me self of i did a very good job now it is my turn to praise my self and if i need to to take time out for myslef away from people just to re charge the batteries cause i have so much to give and i want to hug all of you thankyou
on the friday aftere the party i suddnely became anxious and teary it was like i suddenly could not cope with people any more so i was very proud of my self i aknowledged this and spent saturday by myself ususally i would have sent so me very odd messages to some on who we will not name but i have deleted his phone number from by telephone. by tuesday i saw my psychologist was getting really anxious by this stage can not really say why but i felt like things where getting to the stage where i could no longer live with my self and do not mean ending my life i mean make the changes i am making to make me a more outgoing and confident person, my default position is i am not good enough the world does not know i exist i am invisable, a couple of things latly have shown me this is not true but when your head is telling you other wise it does not always get through
i could have hidden, infact that is what i am doing today, having a nice quiet day at home, but have made a time to see a good friend for coffe and a walk, this is becoming a wednesday ritual.
but what i did realize is that i am so close to reaching my goal of 70 kg a massive 40 kg loss in 3 and half years, but i had moved the goal post and was aiminng for 62 kg. so i felt i could not celbrate this loss (only 1.9 kg to go) this bothered me and after having a nap yesterday and going to a training session by the way when your feeling down and angry and anxious a really good personal trainer can make you feel really good about yourself) i aslo messaged a 12wbt buddy and asked her to help me thank you have decided to stop re jig my goal back to 70 kg celebrate and reflect when i get there this is a big one and one i reallly did not think would ever come i still have other goals but they can wait i want to aim for this one and rejoice and saviour it yell it from the roof tops to all thoses who doubted me.
thankyou for listening my demons are still there but i am learning to beawre of them they are my past and you can give you self new self dialouge its only words and they can change but it is being aware that you are using them that needs to be aknowledged
bullying is not allowed in school and the work place bullying is called spousal abuse in the home or child abuse so why should we allow bullying or abuse of ourselves by oursleves. my self tak was that no one was going to tell me of worst then i would tell me self of i did a very good job now it is my turn to praise my self and if i need to to take time out for myslef away from people just to re charge the batteries cause i have so much to give and i want to hug all of you thankyou
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