was readibg a fellow bloggers post on anorexia and eating disorders, this lead me to remembering my own eating disorder and triggered responses from others. yes secret eating is an eating disorder why others did it i do not know, but i know why i did it was a control issue. you can tell me what to do in wmy life but i can control what i put in my mouth sound familiar but instead of control my diet by not eating i controlled it by eating, usually in secret. other times when growing up i would send the family out of the kitchen dinning room with the offer to do the dishes, why so i could eat all the left overs they would not know. i never had my emmergency money when i was at school i ate it at macdonalds on the way home then had my dinner. after training as a young adult i would get hot chips to keep me companey on the walk home.
when i got my drivers liscene i allways offered to get the take away, this gave me an excuse to eat extra food on the way home, and then eat as per noraml for dinner. one occasion i went to a hamburger shop ordered what i thought was four hamburgers and chips, i ended up with ten rather then tell the person i wanted four not ten (yes i paid for them) i ate the extra six beofre home cause i was to scared to tell my famuily what happened and i was to scared to tell the shop assistance - i could have thrown them away but i ate them.......
when travelling i always found time to go of by myself so i could eat.....
when i fisrt started to loose weight about 6 years ago when ever people told me i was doing really well my first thought was you can not control me so i went shopping bought a paket of bbq shapes and some choclate and hid them in my bed room (was sharing a house at this stage) and ate them under my covers to prove no one controlled me
you get the picture, i could tell you more stories but for me it was control and contol is somthing i have learnt is somthing i can not control there are things i can and things i cannot i cannot control other people but i can control my reaction to them.
we all have a secret eating disorder i have many more, picinics was another fave of mine, they where usually private but they where not secret-- metwerst, cheese, pate and crackers but not one serve i would eat several. multiple serves of all of these. but i called them picinics
mid night snacks - ten or more slices of toast with cheese yum yum what about stoping after a late at work and getting two whooppers whith chips then going to bed and getting up at 0600/
my fave was hot chips and gravey at 1600 then falling asleep and figuring it was 1830 and time for dinner so having a whole family size pizza with garlic bread..
yep i had a few and i am sure you have a few stroires of your own
during high school buttered roll wiht chips was my fave recess snack folowed by a pastie or two at lunch
had better stop am feeling upset about what i did to myself i ma not this person any more secret eating is a thing of my past, but i still feel gulty if i eat crisps and feel like i am going to be judged
but as i said i can not control other peoples reactions but i can contol how i choose to react.////////////////////it is still a work in progress and somtimes i fell it would be so much easier to be fat but life is not about being easy it is about being the best version of me it is about steping out of my comfert zone it is about embrassing challanges it is about hugging as many people as i can find it as about living my life for me it is about me because it is my life it is also about supporting others like they supported me it is also about enjoyment so if i want to eat choclate get the best choclate ever made and eat with mindfullness if i want crisps do not gorge them in one mouth ful saviour the taste it is about not wasting time on things or people that bring me down it is about challanging my boundries it is not about secret shame it is about living shamlessley and about having fun whilst doing it i am reaching the seconed half of my century i have grafted and struggled now it is time to let loose and just enjoy life be who i am and follow my pathways will not call them dreams cause dreams are just that i am on the pathway to achieve what i want and yeo like most pathways it will have lumps and bumps and t junction but i don ot live in shame any more i donot live a secret life i live a life that is mine and only mine i will support those thaty want my support i will cheer on those i admire and i will always be here for my friends and i will never again eat a packet of bbq shapes under the covers and if some one sells my ten hamburgers i will question there hearing
No comments:
Post a Comment