break down leading to break through

yesterday i got anxious had not felt that way for such a long time, maybe it was the excitment of last weeks party and meeting lots of beautiful people some of whom i have got to know really well on twitter to find they are just as wonderful in real life was amazing. i had a photo taken of me that shows me smiling and looking relaxed perhaps the best ever photot taken of me i looked good that never happens in photos. it was a photot i did not know was being taken so it makes it even more wonderful for me. the 12wbt party for me was not as good as the dinner on friday night, but i did enjoy it and again found the people i was looking for you know who you are i went looking for you and i love you all and your amazing people. my other goal was to hug as many people as possible if i hugged you thankyou for letting a crazy stranger do that, initiating hugs is not somthing i do.

on the friday aftere the party i suddnely became anxious and teary it was like i suddenly could not cope with people any more so i was very proud of my self i aknowledged this and spent saturday by myself ususally i would have sent so me very odd messages to some on who we will not name but i have deleted his phone number from by telephone. by tuesday i saw my psychologist was getting really anxious by this stage can not really say why but i felt like things where getting to the stage where i could no longer live with my self and do not mean ending my life i mean make the changes i am making to make me a more outgoing and confident person, my default position is i am not good enough the world does not know i exist i am invisable, a couple of things latly have shown me this is not true but when your head is telling you other wise it does not always get through

i could have hidden, infact that is what i am doing today, having a nice quiet day at home, but have made a time to see a good friend for coffe and a walk, this is becoming a wednesday ritual.


but what i did realize is that i am so close to reaching my goal of 70 kg a massive 40 kg loss in 3 and half years, but i had moved the goal post and was aiminng for 62 kg. so i felt i could not celbrate this loss (only 1.9 kg to go) this bothered me and after having a nap yesterday and going to a training session by the way when your feeling down and angry and anxious a really good personal trainer can make you feel really good about yourself) i aslo messaged a 12wbt buddy and asked her to help me thank you have decided to stop re jig my goal back to 70 kg celebrate and reflect when i get there this is a big one and one i reallly did not think would ever come i still have other goals but they can wait i want to aim for this one and rejoice and saviour it yell it from the roof tops to all thoses who doubted me.

thankyou for listening my demons are still there but i am learning to beawre of them they are my past and you can give you self new self dialouge its only words and they can change but it is being aware that you are using them that needs to be aknowledged

bullying is not allowed in school and the work place bullying is called spousal abuse in the home or child abuse so why should we allow bullying or abuse of ourselves by oursleves. my self tak was that no one was going to tell me of worst then i would tell me self of i did a very good job now it is my turn to praise my self and if i need to to take time out for myslef away from people just to re charge the batteries cause i have so much to give and i want to hug all of you thankyou