august 5 2011

this morning i was in the shower, and the water was running down my hair, when i had a flash back to my paste, was 19 years old just started my training as a nurse and we where going to be capped this day... my hair has never been neat i have very thick but baby fine hair that basically has a mind of it own, this particualarly day my mother decided no daughter of hers was going to look straggley so she cut it that morning, why did i let her- was getting her individed attention at the moment somthing i never really had. this got me to thinking of my realationship with my mother - basically it is non extitince we have nothing in commen and those times we have been in the same room or car by are selves i never really know what to say to her, i found her annoying at times.. her normal response to any statement about what i am wearing is the young one ones all wear that now - one i am 48 and two i like to think i have an individual style. my mother just sits there during conversations as a family and makes absolutly no comments, its very odd haave asked her why she just says she likess to listen.. but then she tries so hard to be obliging if some one commetns on her art and craft stuff next thing i knew growing up was she was making it for them, this sounds very selfish i realize but we never devloped that mother daughter realtaionship is this my fault or is it hers, but i never really felt protected by my mother and as result have formed a barrier to stop myself from hurting,she annoys me and my parents both my mother and father are people i see as an obligation for me this is the only safe way i can manage my realtionship with them

this also got me to thinking of my relatonship with women in general, i never had aclsoe female friend growing up, and i fewl this has in so me way affected my relationship with females in general am learning to trust them and i blessed with some lovely female friends now

as for my hair, well my hair is window to how i am feeling, if my hair behaves i usually am felling good if my hair is crazy i am usually feeling abit out of control, when it is lank i usally am feeling lank yiu get the oicture, its like my soul is attached to my hair, the time it always feel right is when i am at the gym and its pony tail is boping along then i feel great

so from a shower this morning i decided that my relationship with my mother was going to ruin my day and bring up all the fears i have of women in senior positions (note i say female they terrify me and make me feel small) had thought i had gotten over this but in a period of weakness and perhaps tieredness all this came to the fore spent the day in a daze of nearly tears, and headachey not a pleasent feeling
but i think i get it now i let myself get carried away with old ways of thinking not my new way of thinking. so ok it happpend today but i am on track again, this tiime span is getting smaller between the thought and the resoltution, in the past its taken me weeks if not months to realize it is just a thought and not a reality
so thankoyu for listening

patricia