a few weeks ago my weight was coming down, made a plan that by birthday the end of august i would be 79.9 kg and by my pts birthday in mid july i would be 82.5 was 84.2 at the time my weight has not gone down it is creeping up (85.1) i now this is not a big change but with the amount of exercise i do it should be coming down why is it not, diet and only diet.
it is like i get close to a mini goal and i never make it i do not think i deliberitly sabotage it is not like i binge eat but i am scared of success and by failing at my weight loss i now it is ok to fail at life, and that it is ok to be the class clown, but i am also scared that if i reach a certain weight people will leave me as i wont need them any more, i might not need them any more as well which is somthing i had not thought about before, the thought that I MIGHT NEED THEM ANY MORE has never really crossed my mind i need to be needed but do need to have people ok this is a thought that i may have to think about
was talking with my pt some one how i have had for three years and he said that normally people only stay about 3 - 6 months then they are ready to move on, i am not ready to move on from him but i also have a major fear of rejection and people not wanting me any more but ithen become attached to them in an unhealthy way. he was telling me today of his knee and it sounds serious and i was really scared he would not be around for a while and i felt panic that he was going and would not be there, then we were speaking of my diet which whilst on a whole is good i still make stupid choices and i asked if i frustrated him the answer was yes i work harder then most people in that gym but i sabotage it each time
why do i do this fear lack of self esteem self worth i do not know also i think about food continually do people do this and i also think that when i get old where will i get my snacks from when i in a nursing home is this normal to think about where i am going to get food from in my old age i amterrified i am going tobe alone with no one to love me i am alsoscared that if some did love me would i be able tolove back have igot the abiliy to be in a relationship i am 48 and never had one why i am terrified thatpeople will find thereis nothing between my brain soi hide behind humor and being the class clown
what haapened today i became high on sugar not a good thing became loopy then woosh the fall i knew the fall was going to come it is like when i amhappy i get to exicted then i fall
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