where is my mind, not sure one minute it is up next it is down, neither of which i really like at the moment, why do i need other people to want me i do not know if i even want them to like me i just want them to need me have sabataged many a friend ship by my needeness and i am not sure if i stoped the friendship or they stoped it
was looking on friends face book status and had wished him a happy birthday he said thankyou but called some else darling this made me feel sad thisis a completly inappropriate response iknow this and you know this but why do i feel like this.
but the problemis i go that is a odd tway of thinking and this makes me even sadder forthinking like that
when i became loopy,hyperactive i want people to notice me but i do not have an of switch how do i get an of switch. am really scared i have some type of mental illnes besides garden variety depression and anxiety. wanted to be noticed at school somtimes iused to cry on the school outing in the hope that one of the teachers would notice me and askwhat was the matter. the thing is i did not now except i hated mysefl and felt issolated fromother people m(having a hearing impairment that my parents reffused to aknnowledge di not help in this missed so many conversations and got the wrongendof the stick it was not funny,people probably tried to befreind me but i did not always understand) have hearing aids now and my friendsno when i have notgot my ears in. yes i have friends now i am 48 and have not had a sexual relationship except once and that was notreally a relation ship that was aone of
how cani expect am man to love me if icannothonestly say i love my self howcan people like me if i donot allaways like myself am scared of other people rejecting me but how canthey not when i reject my self
what happens is this i get high on life and really loopy then i fall in a heap spend several days crying then foreever trying to get up again, until next time somtimes it takes a few moths befroe ifall lately it has been about 2 week and this timeis taking longer to get back up little things just trigger me work does not help having a person underming you continulaay does not help and then to discover that one of you colleagues went to her and told her about somthing i supposedly did on face book makes me mad especially whrn she then went a spoke to my very lovely job sharing colleague and told her some one needed to talk to me (ok imentioned on face book to a friend that myself and another girl had swaped a shift, not mention of the place of work what shift it was not patients were mentioned what the fuckwas wrong with that) well to be yelled at in front ofothers was not ideal doe sthis make sense
i know people are dying have divorces ill health family issues and my litle problems are not that important, this again makes me evenmadder at my self for not being able manage my life why can i not seemto make sense of my life i want to be healthy iwant to be fit i want to be strong i want to love myself and i want to not feellike i am pushing people away and i want to be able to laugh at my slef but i donot want to be loopy seeing gp tuesday and psychologist next week i am a survivor and i will survive but i need to take time for myself and learn to love
how can i be in a healthy relationship if i have som amny questions to be awnswered
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
sabotage again
a few weeks ago my weight was coming down, made a plan that by birthday the end of august i would be 79.9 kg and by my pts birthday in mid july i would be 82.5 was 84.2 at the time my weight has not gone down it is creeping up (85.1) i now this is not a big change but with the amount of exercise i do it should be coming down why is it not, diet and only diet.
it is like i get close to a mini goal and i never make it i do not think i deliberitly sabotage it is not like i binge eat but i am scared of success and by failing at my weight loss i now it is ok to fail at life, and that it is ok to be the class clown, but i am also scared that if i reach a certain weight people will leave me as i wont need them any more, i might not need them any more as well which is somthing i had not thought about before, the thought that I MIGHT NEED THEM ANY MORE has never really crossed my mind i need to be needed but do need to have people ok this is a thought that i may have to think about
was talking with my pt some one how i have had for three years and he said that normally people only stay about 3 - 6 months then they are ready to move on, i am not ready to move on from him but i also have a major fear of rejection and people not wanting me any more but ithen become attached to them in an unhealthy way. he was telling me today of his knee and it sounds serious and i was really scared he would not be around for a while and i felt panic that he was going and would not be there, then we were speaking of my diet which whilst on a whole is good i still make stupid choices and i asked if i frustrated him the answer was yes i work harder then most people in that gym but i sabotage it each time
why do i do this fear lack of self esteem self worth i do not know also i think about food continually do people do this and i also think that when i get old where will i get my snacks from when i in a nursing home is this normal to think about where i am going to get food from in my old age i amterrified i am going tobe alone with no one to love me i am alsoscared that if some did love me would i be able tolove back have igot the abiliy to be in a relationship i am 48 and never had one why i am terrified thatpeople will find thereis nothing between my brain soi hide behind humor and being the class clown
what haapened today i became high on sugar not a good thing became loopy then woosh the fall i knew the fall was going to come it is like when i amhappy i get to exicted then i fall
it is like i get close to a mini goal and i never make it i do not think i deliberitly sabotage it is not like i binge eat but i am scared of success and by failing at my weight loss i now it is ok to fail at life, and that it is ok to be the class clown, but i am also scared that if i reach a certain weight people will leave me as i wont need them any more, i might not need them any more as well which is somthing i had not thought about before, the thought that I MIGHT NEED THEM ANY MORE has never really crossed my mind i need to be needed but do need to have people ok this is a thought that i may have to think about
was talking with my pt some one how i have had for three years and he said that normally people only stay about 3 - 6 months then they are ready to move on, i am not ready to move on from him but i also have a major fear of rejection and people not wanting me any more but ithen become attached to them in an unhealthy way. he was telling me today of his knee and it sounds serious and i was really scared he would not be around for a while and i felt panic that he was going and would not be there, then we were speaking of my diet which whilst on a whole is good i still make stupid choices and i asked if i frustrated him the answer was yes i work harder then most people in that gym but i sabotage it each time
why do i do this fear lack of self esteem self worth i do not know also i think about food continually do people do this and i also think that when i get old where will i get my snacks from when i in a nursing home is this normal to think about where i am going to get food from in my old age i amterrified i am going tobe alone with no one to love me i am alsoscared that if some did love me would i be able tolove back have igot the abiliy to be in a relationship i am 48 and never had one why i am terrified thatpeople will find thereis nothing between my brain soi hide behind humor and being the class clown
what haapened today i became high on sugar not a good thing became loopy then woosh the fall i knew the fall was going to come it is like when i amhappy i get to exicted then i fall
Monday, July 5, 2010
is it ok to be proud
last night was feeling well and my mind was were it should be, had planned to go to bed at 2130 and meditate, somthing i have not done for a while, but the mind decided to come out and play, why cause my flat mate came home and does not like to talk ab out her tennis game and i have heard she is good. this lead me to thinking about how proud i felt after my mini triatholon series last year, for me to actulaly sign up was a big thing and i really enjoyed them and came firsst in my age group (45-49) ok i was the only one in that age group and i did come like 3rd to last but i did it 2min faster then my goal that was set by my pt and about 10 min faster then my goal so i was proud even got a cup which i proudly showed at work the following day and at my gym, and whilst i did not tell everyone at the gym i was soon knownas the girl who did triatholons all of which made me proud. i am not a natural athelte but work damm hard to achive what i do.
why did i get confused last night i kept thinking that maybe this was not somthing i should be sharing with people and that i should keep it to myself until i actually have achieved somthing. but i did achieve and i am proud so i am going to shout it form the roof tops
i did not eat my feelings, instead i put it on twitter (thankyou aussie leo for you response) and emailed a really goood mentor of mine went to sleep and woke up with the will to achive even greater things,i am not competing against anyone my goal are mine and i will be proud.
why did i get confused last night i kept thinking that maybe this was not somthing i should be sharing with people and that i should keep it to myself until i actually have achieved somthing. but i did achieve and i am proud so i am going to shout it form the roof tops
i did not eat my feelings, instead i put it on twitter (thankyou aussie leo for you response) and emailed a really goood mentor of mine went to sleep and woke up with the will to achive even greater things,i am not competing against anyone my goal are mine and i will be proud.
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