break down leading to break through

yesterday i got anxious had not felt that way for such a long time, maybe it was the excitment of last weeks party and meeting lots of beautiful people some of whom i have got to know really well on twitter to find they are just as wonderful in real life was amazing. i had a photo taken of me that shows me smiling and looking relaxed perhaps the best ever photot taken of me i looked good that never happens in photos. it was a photot i did not know was being taken so it makes it even more wonderful for me. the 12wbt party for me was not as good as the dinner on friday night, but i did enjoy it and again found the people i was looking for you know who you are i went looking for you and i love you all and your amazing people. my other goal was to hug as many people as possible if i hugged you thankyou for letting a crazy stranger do that, initiating hugs is not somthing i do.

on the friday aftere the party i suddnely became anxious and teary it was like i suddenly could not cope with people any more so i was very proud of my self i aknowledged this and spent saturday by myself ususally i would have sent so me very odd messages to some on who we will not name but i have deleted his phone number from by telephone. by tuesday i saw my psychologist was getting really anxious by this stage can not really say why but i felt like things where getting to the stage where i could no longer live with my self and do not mean ending my life i mean make the changes i am making to make me a more outgoing and confident person, my default position is i am not good enough the world does not know i exist i am invisable, a couple of things latly have shown me this is not true but when your head is telling you other wise it does not always get through

i could have hidden, infact that is what i am doing today, having a nice quiet day at home, but have made a time to see a good friend for coffe and a walk, this is becoming a wednesday ritual.


but what i did realize is that i am so close to reaching my goal of 70 kg a massive 40 kg loss in 3 and half years, but i had moved the goal post and was aiminng for 62 kg. so i felt i could not celbrate this loss (only 1.9 kg to go) this bothered me and after having a nap yesterday and going to a training session by the way when your feeling down and angry and anxious a really good personal trainer can make you feel really good about yourself) i aslo messaged a 12wbt buddy and asked her to help me thank you have decided to stop re jig my goal back to 70 kg celebrate and reflect when i get there this is a big one and one i reallly did not think would ever come i still have other goals but they can wait i want to aim for this one and rejoice and saviour it yell it from the roof tops to all thoses who doubted me.

thankyou for listening my demons are still there but i am learning to beawre of them they are my past and you can give you self new self dialouge its only words and they can change but it is being aware that you are using them that needs to be aknowledged

bullying is not allowed in school and the work place bullying is called spousal abuse in the home or child abuse so why should we allow bullying or abuse of ourselves by oursleves. my self tak was that no one was going to tell me of worst then i would tell me self of i did a very good job now it is my turn to praise my self and if i need to to take time out for myslef away from people just to re charge the batteries cause i have so much to give and i want to hug all of you thankyou

break down keading to break through

if you can dream it you can achieve it

it is agust 28 2011 and i have just completed my first half marathon

i feel exhausted but estatic i am crying tears of joy relief and happiness plus i am lying on the ground and i am never moving nor running again - at least for another week.

the time does not matter but i think it took me three hours and 50 minutes not quick but hey i finished have any of you completed a half marathon.

the journey to get here was hard but i worked hard when i started training 15 weeks ago was rehabing from a calf injury and a 3 k run was a big run i also have lost another 10 kg and am sitting on very svelte 62 kg. the biggest challange i faced getting to this point was holding my self back i wanted to achive it all in one day but i learnt quickly that one day at a time was the way to go.

oh i and i also placed in the seconed place in the michell bridges 12 wwk body transformation, but had to run today so was unable to make the party weekend for me the last twelve weeks has been about challangeing my self and giving back to ohter who supported me over the years

oh you want to know what i am wearing, well at the moment i am sitting hear with my feet in a ice bucket but for my half marathon i wore a blue pair of nike frees and my trusty black target pants and red singlet also from target they are the only clothes that seem to suit my body shape the best plus they are in expensive... more money to spen on running shoes

would i have changed any thing that got me to this position - not a thing the tears and frustration and the gastro bug i got to get here where all worth while i wish to thank everyone on twitter and face book who got me here and a special thanks to the adelaide girls- they now who they are and to my personal trainer dave who taught me how to run and never let me forget that i was an athelte. and most of all my self i dared to dream and i lived that dream


thankyou

biggest loser

was watching biggest loser last night and i think i finally got it

last year i could not understand why they pushed away there image of there former fat self, i wondered why they did not emrace and nuture that fat self because after all it was them and if you do not love your self who is going to love you but last night i realized that by changing yourself you are not changing your histroy you are making a new future and to do that you have change your now history will always be that but you donot have to keep it close to you in fact if you are to move on and change your attitutude puting your past into the past is the best thing.

so i ambracing my now looking to the future and putting my past into the past and will look back only to see how far i have come as a person

my now is ot that of a fat person who was so scared of making a ripple in the fabric of life my now is of a woman looking to make her self fit and fabulous and making her mark on the world my future is still to be written but that is why its the future youo can make it what ever you want, yes like most people i have plans but these can be changed i have goals but goals are theree to be reassesed life is mine for the taking and i am not going to waste a seconed more dwelling on my past, unless i am talking to my counscellor and working out what i can do know to help me acheive my goal of loving my self and then inturn loving those around me

so my fat self is going away and my new self is looking for a short sparkley dress to show of what are probably the best legs in the southern hemisphere



love your self then like yourself and the world will folow