where is my mind, not sure one minute it is up next it is down, neither of which i really like at the moment, why do i need other people to want me i do not know if i even want them to like me i just want them to need me have sabataged many a friend ship by my needeness and i am not sure if i stoped the friendship or they stoped it

was looking on friends face book status and had wished him a happy birthday he said thankyou but called some else darling this made me feel sad thisis a completly inappropriate response iknow this and you know this but why do i feel like this.

but the problemis i go that is a odd tway of thinking and this makes me even sadder forthinking like that
when i became loopy,hyperactive i want people to notice me but i do not have an of switch how do i get an of switch. am really scared i have some type of mental illnes besides garden variety depression and anxiety. wanted to be noticed at school somtimes iused to cry on the school outing in the hope that one of the teachers would notice me and askwhat was the matter. the thing is i did not now except i hated mysefl and felt issolated fromother people m(having a hearing impairment that my parents reffused to aknnowledge di not help in this missed so many conversations and got the wrongendof the stick it was not funny,people probably tried to befreind me but i did not always understand) have hearing aids now and my friendsno when i have notgot my ears in. yes i have friends now i am 48 and have not had a sexual relationship except once and that was notreally a relation ship that was aone of


how cani expect am man to love me if icannothonestly say i love my self howcan people like me if i donot allaways like myself am scared of other people rejecting me but how canthey not when i reject my self


what happens is this i get high on life and really loopy then i fall in a heap spend several days crying then foreever trying to get up again, until next time somtimes it takes a few moths befroe ifall lately it has been about 2 week and this timeis taking longer to get back up little things just trigger me work does not help having a person underming you continulaay does not help and then to discover that one of you colleagues went to her and told her about somthing i supposedly did on face book makes me mad especially whrn she then went a spoke to my very lovely job sharing colleague and told her some one needed to talk to me (ok imentioned on face book to a friend that myself and another girl had swaped a shift, not mention of the place of work what shift it was not patients were mentioned what the fuckwas wrong with that) well to be yelled at in front ofothers was not ideal doe sthis make sense

i know people are dying have divorces ill health family issues and my litle problems are not that important, this again makes me evenmadder at my self for not being able manage my life why can i not seemto make sense of my life i want to be healthy iwant to be fit i want to be strong i want to love myself and i want to not feellike i am pushing people away and i want to be able to laugh at my slef but i donot want to be loopy seeing gp tuesday and psychologist next week i am a survivor and i will survive but i need to take time for myself and learn to love

how can i be in a healthy relationship if i have som amny questions to be awnswered

sabotage again

a few weeks ago my weight was coming down, made a plan that by birthday the end of august i would be 79.9 kg and by my pts birthday in mid july i would be 82.5 was 84.2 at the time my weight has not gone down it is creeping up (85.1) i now this is not a big change but with the amount of exercise i do it should be coming down why is it not, diet and only diet.

it is like i get close to a mini goal and i never make it i do not think i deliberitly sabotage it is not like i binge eat but i am scared of success and by failing at my weight loss i now it is ok to fail at life, and that it is ok to be the class clown, but i am also scared that if i reach a certain weight people will leave me as i wont need them any more, i might not need them any more as well which is somthing i had not thought about before, the thought that I MIGHT NEED THEM ANY MORE has never really crossed my mind i need to be needed but do need to have people ok this is a thought that i may have to think about

was talking with my pt some one how i have had for three years and he said that normally people only stay about 3 - 6 months then they are ready to move on, i am not ready to move on from him but i also have a major fear of rejection and people not wanting me any more but ithen become attached to them in an unhealthy way. he was telling me today of his knee and it sounds serious and i was really scared he would not be around for a while and i felt panic that he was going and would not be there, then we were speaking of my diet which whilst on a whole is good i still make stupid choices and i asked if i frustrated him the answer was yes i work harder then most people in that gym but i sabotage it each time

why do i do this fear lack of self esteem self worth i do not know also i think about food continually do people do this and i also think that when i get old where will i get my snacks from when i in a nursing home is this normal to think about where i am going to get food from in my old age i amterrified i am going tobe alone with no one to love me i am alsoscared that if some did love me would i be able tolove back have igot the abiliy to be in a relationship i am 48 and never had one why i am terrified thatpeople will find thereis nothing between my brain soi hide behind humor and being the class clown

what haapened today i became high on sugar not a good thing became loopy then woosh the fall i knew the fall was going to come it is like when i amhappy i get to exicted then i fall

is it ok to be proud

last night was feeling well and my mind was were it should be, had planned to go to bed at 2130 and meditate, somthing i have not done for a while, but the mind decided to come out and play, why cause my flat mate came home and does not like to talk ab out her tennis game and i have heard she is good. this lead me to thinking about how proud i felt after my mini triatholon series last year, for me to actulaly sign up was a big thing and i really enjoyed them and came firsst in my age group (45-49) ok i was the only one in that age group and i did come like 3rd to last but i did it 2min faster then my goal that was set by my pt and about 10 min faster then my goal so i was proud even got a cup which i proudly showed at work the following day and at my gym, and whilst i did not tell everyone at the gym i was soon knownas the girl who did triatholons all of which made me proud. i am not a natural athelte but work damm hard to achive what i do.

why did i get confused last night i kept thinking that maybe this was not somthing i should be sharing with people and that i should keep it to myself until i actually have achieved somthing. but i did achieve and i am proud so i am going to shout it form the roof tops

i did not eat my feelings, instead i put it on twitter (thankyou aussie leo for you response) and emailed a really goood mentor of mine went to sleep and woke up with the will to achive even greater things,i am not competing against anyone my goal are mine and i will be proud.

do i do i not

hi is out of the fire into the flammes. am moving out of my current accomadation share rental (for the last 15 years) and buying a house with my sister. but in the mean time and moving in with my sister in her rental house to save money (rent free)we are not that close and she knows none of my secrets and we do not really socialize, but we have the same child hood, though she had friends and i did not she was popular and i was not, god thinking about this makes me sad but there is one thing i can argue with her and she is my sister so she isnot allowed to hate me for that and i can tell her to cleanup her mess. the plan is to rent for six months wilst i save money about 600 a fortnight and get more money for the deposit. then we will but together looking for a larger house sowe have are own space and twobathrooms are a must.

she is quite controling over me and feels she can tell me how to dress do my hair (remember i am 47 and a year older then her) so it is a good move to move in butiam going to make sure i maintain my independence and identidy,

growing up she was always the more beautiful and slimmer and my parents wanted me to look like her what am i thinking still confused but is it to late the wheels are in motion and i have to move out of my current accomadation the girl i share with is driving me insane, hope fully are friendship will rekindle when we donot see each other every day but i am thinking it will just evapeorte which will be very sad, soi hope it does not. my sister will always be my sister wether i live with her or not so i will buy a house with her does not mean it has to be fore ever thankyou for listening

week 1

hi week one starts this week of the 12wbt what does this mean, it means commitment from me to achieve my goals it means giving up choclate,chips and cakes it means regular exercise it means getting out side my comfort zone and actually ahieving weight los.Most of all it means being organzied and that means shopping and taking my lunch to work and eating breakfast before 1000

can i loose 15 kg in 12 week, i will give it a crack and if i fail i will now that i gave it every thing.

an interesting thing when i am upset i can write and write usually from the heart and not very well thought out but when iam not upset depressed frustrated then the writtng does not happen, so this is a way to gauge my emotions at the moment they are on an even keel, feeling a bit scared about finishing the 12wbt and the final party not really good with strangers tend to become tounge tied and come over looking a bit slow when in reality i have a very odd sense of humor and love to dance and giggle so why am igetting stressed about somthing that may or may not happen i am not sure but this is what i do so maybe my goal should be just to go and have fun. every one seems to have found people to support them, again a very selfish thought cause it is not true and i have found plenty of support on the forumns and twitter plus i have lovely friends so this is the begining of week one and i wishmy self luck and as it does not come downtoluck i willworkhard and this is the promise to my self

more musings

why do i think that other people life is attached to mine, and why do i think my actions affect other people.

it is this thinking that gets me into trouble because i then get really upset on how i think people feel when they way they feel has usually nothing to do with me.
this makes sense now but in the heat of the moment it does not stop me from feeling this way

was sitting on the floor in my home office, which also acts a a junk room and a store room and was going through my files having decided it is time to get them in order. as i was looking at my business files it hit me that i was closing my personal training business, this made me sad, but not in a bad way but in a way that said you gave it a go, you learnt a lot and will always have that experience which is better then not have trying at all.

i am a nurse i enjoy the interaction between my patients and i am self motivated and can organize myself love learning new things and as rural liasion can make a difference to peoples lives.

but i also enjoy working on my own fitness and discussing with other people changes they can make in there lives, but find it frustrating that people still say they do not have time to exercise or they are to tired. this is my soap box and until people realize this for themselve i will be banging my head against a brick wall.

but saying this two vey important people to me both personal trainers have spent hours discussing diet with me exercise has never been an issue but my diet has been it has taken a lot of soul searching and tears and tantrums and i have almost got it worked out. thank you to the people who have helped me you knowwho you are.

why did i open my pt business, have been thinking for ages that there was something else out there, have been a nurse since 1981 and felt i had not really had a chance to explore other options even though i have worked in many areas in my career and completed two post grad certificates i felt that had to be more out there this was my most comom refrain, but what i did not know was that i could have explored any options but would it have made me happy no it would not have cause i was empty, still am at times but have learnt how to fill my self up and food is not the answer.


also learnt another thing this became clear to me the other day, when i am feeling sad or angry do not look to other people to cheer you up this infact on those days it is best to stay away from people cause then i wont hate them for not understanding i need them to make me happy i need my self and just because some one is grumpy or upset or not talking that does not mean they hate me.

i still have not yet worked out how to rectify this way of thinking but i do know that when i wake up out of sorts probably not the best time to be around people and i should probably keep quiet and find a warm spot and meditate

the business is closing, were to now - life will go on i will continue my journey to become a stronger me and be the best nurse i can be. i will also contiue to strive in my personal fitness and become that athelte that people tell me am.