do i do i not

hi is out of the fire into the flammes. am moving out of my current accomadation share rental (for the last 15 years) and buying a house with my sister. but in the mean time and moving in with my sister in her rental house to save money (rent free)we are not that close and she knows none of my secrets and we do not really socialize, but we have the same child hood, though she had friends and i did not she was popular and i was not, god thinking about this makes me sad but there is one thing i can argue with her and she is my sister so she isnot allowed to hate me for that and i can tell her to cleanup her mess. the plan is to rent for six months wilst i save money about 600 a fortnight and get more money for the deposit. then we will but together looking for a larger house sowe have are own space and twobathrooms are a must.

she is quite controling over me and feels she can tell me how to dress do my hair (remember i am 47 and a year older then her) so it is a good move to move in butiam going to make sure i maintain my independence and identidy,

growing up she was always the more beautiful and slimmer and my parents wanted me to look like her what am i thinking still confused but is it to late the wheels are in motion and i have to move out of my current accomadation the girl i share with is driving me insane, hope fully are friendship will rekindle when we donot see each other every day but i am thinking it will just evapeorte which will be very sad, soi hope it does not. my sister will always be my sister wether i live with her or not so i will buy a house with her does not mean it has to be fore ever thankyou for listening

week 1

hi week one starts this week of the 12wbt what does this mean, it means commitment from me to achieve my goals it means giving up choclate,chips and cakes it means regular exercise it means getting out side my comfort zone and actually ahieving weight los.Most of all it means being organzied and that means shopping and taking my lunch to work and eating breakfast before 1000

can i loose 15 kg in 12 week, i will give it a crack and if i fail i will now that i gave it every thing.

an interesting thing when i am upset i can write and write usually from the heart and not very well thought out but when iam not upset depressed frustrated then the writtng does not happen, so this is a way to gauge my emotions at the moment they are on an even keel, feeling a bit scared about finishing the 12wbt and the final party not really good with strangers tend to become tounge tied and come over looking a bit slow when in reality i have a very odd sense of humor and love to dance and giggle so why am igetting stressed about somthing that may or may not happen i am not sure but this is what i do so maybe my goal should be just to go and have fun. every one seems to have found people to support them, again a very selfish thought cause it is not true and i have found plenty of support on the forumns and twitter plus i have lovely friends so this is the begining of week one and i wishmy self luck and as it does not come downtoluck i willworkhard and this is the promise to my self

more musings

why do i think that other people life is attached to mine, and why do i think my actions affect other people.

it is this thinking that gets me into trouble because i then get really upset on how i think people feel when they way they feel has usually nothing to do with me.
this makes sense now but in the heat of the moment it does not stop me from feeling this way

was sitting on the floor in my home office, which also acts a a junk room and a store room and was going through my files having decided it is time to get them in order. as i was looking at my business files it hit me that i was closing my personal training business, this made me sad, but not in a bad way but in a way that said you gave it a go, you learnt a lot and will always have that experience which is better then not have trying at all.

i am a nurse i enjoy the interaction between my patients and i am self motivated and can organize myself love learning new things and as rural liasion can make a difference to peoples lives.

but i also enjoy working on my own fitness and discussing with other people changes they can make in there lives, but find it frustrating that people still say they do not have time to exercise or they are to tired. this is my soap box and until people realize this for themselve i will be banging my head against a brick wall.

but saying this two vey important people to me both personal trainers have spent hours discussing diet with me exercise has never been an issue but my diet has been it has taken a lot of soul searching and tears and tantrums and i have almost got it worked out. thank you to the people who have helped me you knowwho you are.

why did i open my pt business, have been thinking for ages that there was something else out there, have been a nurse since 1981 and felt i had not really had a chance to explore other options even though i have worked in many areas in my career and completed two post grad certificates i felt that had to be more out there this was my most comom refrain, but what i did not know was that i could have explored any options but would it have made me happy no it would not have cause i was empty, still am at times but have learnt how to fill my self up and food is not the answer.


also learnt another thing this became clear to me the other day, when i am feeling sad or angry do not look to other people to cheer you up this infact on those days it is best to stay away from people cause then i wont hate them for not understanding i need them to make me happy i need my self and just because some one is grumpy or upset or not talking that does not mean they hate me.

i still have not yet worked out how to rectify this way of thinking but i do know that when i wake up out of sorts probably not the best time to be around people and i should probably keep quiet and find a warm spot and meditate

the business is closing, were to now - life will go on i will continue my journey to become a stronger me and be the best nurse i can be. i will also contiue to strive in my personal fitness and become that athelte that people tell me am.

experinces of a cyclist

cycling, not my plan for this holiday, but it has bee thrust upon medue to lack of water yes you need to check the water inacare, i didnot. what happens your car burns up much like we doif we drink no water , and idonot drink eough living in a constant state of dehydration.

so car is having a holiday and needs a new enginig argh money that i do not have.

so i am cycingevery where thanakfully i am a triathelte but somthing you needo now lights are invaluable especially if you want to cycle at night, i did that through the city the other night in peak hour with no lights and along the torrens at dark is not nice, a pair of gloves to protect your hands when you fall of have not done that yet, but it will probably happen one day. a reflector wet jacket for those wet days and night(it is winter) a back pack for all the things you need to carry note to self buy a tyre inflator (for got what they are called) and may be a bell for people who do not see me and have ear plugs in also know as music.

love life live life and take every challange as somthing to experince and make you deeper person. currently i am centered and feeling the effects ofjoy of living will thislast,probably notwe do not live in a static environemnt will i want to cry and rage and feel sorry for myself you bet i will but i have learnt the skills needed in my life to get me through the good and bad will i need help in the future do we not all need help at some time in our life, iknow were to find it know. and i also know were not to find it, this in it self is perhaps the most important revelation. the meaning of life i can not give thAT to you but i know the meaning and worthof my own life and that is the most important. look inside yourself and you to will find it, a good psychologist can also help you ask that question and a good mate will listen to you ask the questions and find the answers your slef.

retreart

revelatins galore this weekend, have been on retreat what an experince, silince but not in an uncomfortable way. meditation yoga and vegiatarein food. introspection, perhaps not the goal of retret but for me a worthwhile exercises.

have been on a very long and at time arduors journey. have learnt al lot about myself, but if twelve months ago you told me that every one goes through the same things and every ones has problems i wouled not have believed you and felt that you were belittling my issues and not truley understanding how much i was hurting to belive that i would actulally feel better even up to a month ago was not in my psyche i was to busy surviivng but things are begining to come around. and ican honselty say i like my self but this has not allways been true

an incidence on retreat really bought this home to me, there was a women who was obviosly going through somthing hard and i felt like i had been her, tears dopeed anger was felt and feeling of isolation abounded, been there done that but if any one told me it was normal and every one felt it i would have been angry and would probably have left ( not probably i would have left driven out of there gone on a loong drive and then have come back, escape was my main goal escape from myself and a situation i felt uncomfertable in i did it and i did it better then most, leaving a room is what i did best) but this has finished now and i embrace situations as they come.

so what i have i learnt,it is about choice not control, this ihave fought with for a very long time evengetting i to arguments about it, but most importantly have learnt about contentment, som thing i felt was nota goal,feeling that contentment was somthing you achived only at the end of life but have realized if i wait this long to be content with my achivemnet it will be to late just because i am content with my achivments doe not mean i will not strive for more,whilst happines which i thought was somthing you should be able to acheive is unattainable 24/7 but a fleeting moment of joy that ahould be savoured

cannot promise i will be level all the time but i can try so any one going through there own journey live it love it and saviour avery moment cause these moments make you who you are and iwould not give up any thing i havegone through cause it makes me who i am and that is me.

hi all been away for a while, have been experimenting with food, intrestingly if i introduce carbs as my main source of energy i gain weight if protein and veg are my main source i loose weight, so i really should stop experimenting and go with what i know work protein and veg (which interestingly are a carb)

had a beaultiful bowel of home made muesi, frozen berries and youghurt, of to the markest via tram today.

highlightof the week was my triatholon, could have been a disaster but was a success in more ways then one

the night before like all good elite atheles i checked my equiipment, flat yes so took to the garrage to pump up, augh they are now completly flat, ring every one i know,only one person maybe able to help but he was out and had a really fancy racing bike with fancy wheels so was not sure, drove around looking for a shop or petrol that sold bike pumps getting really upset and agitated looked longenly at the food could have bought a truck load and bingied my way through this crisis but did not (success)


eventual my mate rang justas i was reaching despair and i took my bike to his place, it was all good crisis averted (ok i know i could probably had found some with a bike pump at the triatholon the next day but that would have been risky and i may have had seveal panic attacks between then)

triatolon was excellent, eight weeks of private swiming lessons paid of swam like a pro came out of the water with energy to burn and not last felt good found my bike in transition helemet on glasses on shes on still not last perhaps ahead of somewho got ou of the water before me, jumped on bike, about a 1km into ride feeling strong over took a person (10year old boy) my shoes laces got stuck in the peddels disaster
had tosop and extridite my self mean while was over taken lesson learnt, do up you shoe laces in double knots

was vey wet feet kept slipping of peddles and road slippery but finally finished, put bike back and commenced run, fele like lead but knew it was less then 10 minutes to the finish so i plodded along smiled at the marshall gave him a wave over took some one told her she was doing well and it was nearly finished found that last minute kick and flew over the finish line fantastic race and very proud of my self new pb set, bring on the big boys next year i am hooked