was sitting on the floor in my home office, which also acts a a junk room and a store room and was going through my files having decided it is time to get them in order. as i was looking at my business files it hit me that i was closing my personal training business, this made me sad, but not in a bad way but in a way that said you gave it a go, you learnt a lot and will always have that experience which is better then not have trying at all.

i am a nurse i enjoy the interaction between my patients and i am self motivated and can organize myself love learning new things and as rural liasion can make a difference to peoples lives.

but i also enjoy working on my own fitness and discussing with other people changes they can make in there lives, but find it frustrating that people still say they do not have time to exercise or they are to tired. this is my soap box and until people realize this for themselve i will be banging my head against a brick wall.

but saying this two vey important people to me both personal trainers have spent hours discussing diet with me exercise has never been an issue but my diet has been it has taken a lot of soul searching and tears and tantrums and i have almost got it worked out. thank you to the people who have helped me you knowwho you are.

why did i open my pt business, have been thinking for ages that there was something else out there, have been a nurse since 1981 and felt i had not really had a chance to explore other options even though i have worked in many areas in my career and completed two post grad certificates i felt that had to be more out there this was my most comom refrain, but what i did not know was that i could have explored any options but would it have made me happy no it would not have cause i was empty, still am at times but have learnt how to fill my self up and food is not the answer.


also learnt another thing this became clear to me the other day, when i am feeling sad or angry do not look to other people to cheer you up this infact on those days it is best to stay away from people cause then i wont hate them for not understanding i need them to make me happy i need my self and just because some one is grumpy or upset or not talking that does not mean they hate me.

i still have not yet worked out how to rectify this way of thinking but i do know that when i wake up out of sorts probably not the best time to be around people and i should probably keep quiet and find a warm spot and meditate

the business is closing, were to now - life will go on i will continue my journey to become a stronger me and be the best nurse i can be. i will also contiue to strive in my personal fitness and become that athelte that people tell me am.

experinces of a cyclist

cycling, not my plan for this holiday, but it has bee thrust upon medue to lack of water yes you need to check the water inacare, i didnot. what happens your car burns up much like we doif we drink no water , and idonot drink eough living in a constant state of dehydration.

so car is having a holiday and needs a new enginig argh money that i do not have.

so i am cycingevery where thanakfully i am a triathelte but somthing you needo now lights are invaluable especially if you want to cycle at night, i did that through the city the other night in peak hour with no lights and along the torrens at dark is not nice, a pair of gloves to protect your hands when you fall of have not done that yet, but it will probably happen one day. a reflector wet jacket for those wet days and night(it is winter) a back pack for all the things you need to carry note to self buy a tyre inflator (for got what they are called) and may be a bell for people who do not see me and have ear plugs in also know as music.

love life live life and take every challange as somthing to experince and make you deeper person. currently i am centered and feeling the effects ofjoy of living will thislast,probably notwe do not live in a static environemnt will i want to cry and rage and feel sorry for myself you bet i will but i have learnt the skills needed in my life to get me through the good and bad will i need help in the future do we not all need help at some time in our life, iknow were to find it know. and i also know were not to find it, this in it self is perhaps the most important revelation. the meaning of life i can not give thAT to you but i know the meaning and worthof my own life and that is the most important. look inside yourself and you to will find it, a good psychologist can also help you ask that question and a good mate will listen to you ask the questions and find the answers your slef.

retreart

revelatins galore this weekend, have been on retreat what an experince, silince but not in an uncomfortable way. meditation yoga and vegiatarein food. introspection, perhaps not the goal of retret but for me a worthwhile exercises.

have been on a very long and at time arduors journey. have learnt al lot about myself, but if twelve months ago you told me that every one goes through the same things and every ones has problems i wouled not have believed you and felt that you were belittling my issues and not truley understanding how much i was hurting to belive that i would actulally feel better even up to a month ago was not in my psyche i was to busy surviivng but things are begining to come around. and ican honselty say i like my self but this has not allways been true

an incidence on retreat really bought this home to me, there was a women who was obviosly going through somthing hard and i felt like i had been her, tears dopeed anger was felt and feeling of isolation abounded, been there done that but if any one told me it was normal and every one felt it i would have been angry and would probably have left ( not probably i would have left driven out of there gone on a loong drive and then have come back, escape was my main goal escape from myself and a situation i felt uncomfertable in i did it and i did it better then most, leaving a room is what i did best) but this has finished now and i embrace situations as they come.

so what i have i learnt,it is about choice not control, this ihave fought with for a very long time evengetting i to arguments about it, but most importantly have learnt about contentment, som thing i felt was nota goal,feeling that contentment was somthing you achived only at the end of life but have realized if i wait this long to be content with my achivemnet it will be to late just because i am content with my achivments doe not mean i will not strive for more,whilst happines which i thought was somthing you should be able to acheive is unattainable 24/7 but a fleeting moment of joy that ahould be savoured

cannot promise i will be level all the time but i can try so any one going through there own journey live it love it and saviour avery moment cause these moments make you who you are and iwould not give up any thing i havegone through cause it makes me who i am and that is me.

hi all been away for a while, have been experimenting with food, intrestingly if i introduce carbs as my main source of energy i gain weight if protein and veg are my main source i loose weight, so i really should stop experimenting and go with what i know work protein and veg (which interestingly are a carb)

had a beaultiful bowel of home made muesi, frozen berries and youghurt, of to the markest via tram today.

highlightof the week was my triatholon, could have been a disaster but was a success in more ways then one

the night before like all good elite atheles i checked my equiipment, flat yes so took to the garrage to pump up, augh they are now completly flat, ring every one i know,only one person maybe able to help but he was out and had a really fancy racing bike with fancy wheels so was not sure, drove around looking for a shop or petrol that sold bike pumps getting really upset and agitated looked longenly at the food could have bought a truck load and bingied my way through this crisis but did not (success)


eventual my mate rang justas i was reaching despair and i took my bike to his place, it was all good crisis averted (ok i know i could probably had found some with a bike pump at the triatholon the next day but that would have been risky and i may have had seveal panic attacks between then)

triatolon was excellent, eight weeks of private swiming lessons paid of swam like a pro came out of the water with energy to burn and not last felt good found my bike in transition helemet on glasses on shes on still not last perhaps ahead of somewho got ou of the water before me, jumped on bike, about a 1km into ride feeling strong over took a person (10year old boy) my shoes laces got stuck in the peddels disaster
had tosop and extridite my self mean while was over taken lesson learnt, do up you shoe laces in double knots

was vey wet feet kept slipping of peddles and road slippery but finally finished, put bike back and commenced run, fele like lead but knew it was less then 10 minutes to the finish so i plodded along smiled at the marshall gave him a wave over took some one told her she was doing well and it was nearly finished found that last minute kick and flew over the finish line fantastic race and very proud of my self new pb set, bring on the big boys next year i am hooked

12 wbt update

have been doing the 12 wbt for two weeks now major changes not in the exercise cause this was already part of my life (5 to 6 per week - including 1 pt session combination of cardio and weights for the last5 years and seeing results) but eating has never been my strongest talent.

used to feel i was being controlled by people in all aspects of my life so in some type of reverse eating disorder i went ok you can control me how much you want but you can not control what goesin my mouth. and when ever i was complimented that i was loosing weight i looked upon this as i them controlling me so i bought a family size pack of chips and took them to my bed and ate them, during family holidays (my family weree my biggest controllers i always found time to get away from them so i could go to hungry jacks or some where used to love going to maccas for breakfast, get up early whilst the reat of the family where sleeping get a couple of sausage mucfuins and has browns eat them whilst driving then come home and eat breakfast)


over the last 12 months have learnt choice is better then control, used to argue with people that being in control over a situation was my main goal in life, you can not be in control 24/7 and you can not control people but you can choose how you respond to them

back to the 12 wbt have been following the eating plan not religioulsy but using it as guide line about how much to eat, what to eat and and have lost weight and as another thing my bowel actions have been regular must be all the lentils and zucchini

but the resource for the future is invaluable iam one of those people who can never work out what to eat and goes shoping and never actually buys food to eat,or throws out vegies every week so making the choice to be organized is in the long term give me the control i desire and the choices i need also it will ave a fortune in money instead of 7 dollars for morning tea and 10 dollars for lunch 5 days a week (add that up)

do not get me started on cost of health and fitness (it is to quote a well known add "priceless")

it is happening

was so excited to day have been trying to get backto 86 kg since november but it was not happening, managed to get 86 back in august of 2009 but sabataged and got back up to 90 by xmas but today i was 86.6 and i will never see 90 again. the secret is portion size and exercise


this last week has been very intersting, was burnt out and over training, and injuries were occuring over the last month or so.

had been working very hard on my fitness and running running and more running, as well as cycling and heavy weight sessions. did a triatholon (my second) and my back went into major spasams i streched it out but it was sore, entered my triatholon, did a personal best but forgot to get the back checked. also found my legs would no longer run whatever i did had got downn from 7.30min to 5.30min for the 1 km over the last two months) still worked hard at the gym and was lifting excellent weights and working really hard on the upper body, giving the legs a rest. but then the back went........so had a week of the gym and then just as i was improving did my back again, then got a virus what am i trying to say, the last two weeks my exercise has beeen only half paced but i have gone form 88.6 to 86.6 and it has been diet and portion control, my pt has been on at me for ages to look at this and i have tried but i never relly knew what to eat, ( he gave me a great reciepe for roastpumkin salas) so i joined the michelle bridges 12 week body transformation challange and do not have to think what i will have for dinner or lunch it is all there and the recipes will be a life line for years to come

even though i have not been able to train as i want i have still been able to loose and it is all due to portion control and healthy eating.

this is me continues

had an intersting discusion with my sister a couple of months ago, she founfd out i was eeing a psychologist and questioned why, mentioning that one of the reasons she left home was cause she did not like the way my father treated me as she found it disturbing, she was not emotionally abused not even phsically hurt in any way but she thought i asked to many questions which is were i got in to trouble. she also asked if i was sexually abused (no i was not sexually abused) to this day she feels she has to protect me form some people.

discused with her moving in together and expressed the name trishy (i hate it makes me feel like a two year old) she will continue to call me this but not introduce me as such. and we will have are own spaces and i promise not to hit her or throw things at her ( i tend to throw things when i am angry must discuss this with my therapist)

so questioning is good keeping people happy is not a healthy for me.