august one 2011

have set my self a challange of blogging each day for the month of august

starting weight 70.5 kg 35% body fat height 161cm

goal weight for 31.8.2011 67kg not sure how much body fat i can loose cause i have neve really paid much attention to that measurment???

brilliant day today, what more can i say.

work ticked all the boxes- find it is better when i am left alone and do not have to worry about all the different personalities, especially those that are on a pwer trip at the moment, thankfully i am in the position to be able to shut my office and ignore them if i want.....

but the highlight of my day was the personal training session i had didnot wear a HRM but i can tell you i burnt heaps especially on the bike 3 x 2min sprints on the bike alone equalled 90 cals in 6 min not bad. but what with weights session and everything else you can imagine and the versa climber (my all time favorite peice of eqiupment) and finishing of with 10 minutes on the bike 5 min down on level 13 and 5 mins up at level 19 i was spent by the end of the session

so what i am i going to get from this blog, well it depends on my day my mood and what takes my fancey so this is my life it can be boring it can be a bit crazy and i can get a bit odd but it is me and i hope you enjoy it if you have any comments feel free to share


highlights to look forward to tomorrow i am going on a 2 day workshop train the trainer wich is going to take me out of my comfort zone but am strangley looking forward to it so see you tomorrow

patricia

i reached 70 what now

three and half years a go my goal was to reach 70 kg, a loss of 40 kg for those who know me they will know this has not been a walk in the park, but when has any ones weight loss been easy, so i am not saying my loss was special but it was special to me. i have come along way since i walked into the gym and said i want to be loose 40kg by august (i meant the august of 2008 not 2011)

but i have done it my thougths was that a 40 plus women heading rapidly to 50 i did not want to be onew of these people having to maintain her weight all the time for me 70 seemed doable and maintainable - please note at 161 cm i would still be like 7 kg over weight. but i thought at the time it would be a majic number


see i used 'thought at the time' times have changed my goals have changed.

i have reached 70 did it about 6 weeks ago and i became bored and wanted to enjoy being 70 so i stoppped watching what i ate from a strickt point of view i still did eat healthy except from an interesting binge i had the other day did not binge cause i was bored lonely upset angry i was lazy...

i have maintained a weight of 70-72 kg for six weeks have been told on numerous occasions on a daily basis i look good and when i say i still have 10 to go they look at me and say no you will be to skinny, this makes me angry so i smile and say thankyou but i am doing it if i want to achive my personal goals

whioch brings us back to know i have been injured the last 10 weeks first of all a calf injury due to over training, and then just getting over the calf i ramped ip my running from 1 km to 6km unfortunatly my back decided it was not going to join in so again i was grounded, please note during these times i was still training but at a reduced intensity.

so what is going to happen now

my goal is to run the adelaide half marathon in 2012 to enter and be competitve in the tim man triatholons in 2011-12 this year, to do this i need to be at least 65 kg
i M lso going to be applying for a new position to follow my dream of being slef employed independent practioner --- this is a five year plan and i am studying towards this as we speak

am working witha fantastic trainer whi knows me very well my strenghts and weakness
and i have learnt about my self

i am determined i am strong and persistent i am also an atractive women am reachinf a certain age i am also soft and loveable i amlike my favorite choclates the fan tale soft on the out side but as stong as nails on the inside

so yes i am at my goal but goals change i have enjoyed and found out that i can maintain 70 with indulging with in reason so there is no reason to ever get above this weight again.

but 62 is my goal know that is 8 -10 kg to loose so if i remember what i did when is was 80 kg and put it into motion like i did then so have beene there and done it once infact i have done it four times 110- 100 100-90 90-80 80-70 nothing has changed but everything has changed

my goals have stayed the same to be the best version of me that i can be to like myself and have fun whilst doing it

are you ready cause i am sure ready

secret eating secret shame

was readibg a fellow bloggers post on anorexia and eating disorders, this lead me to remembering my own eating disorder and triggered responses from others. yes secret eating is an eating disorder why others did it i do not know, but i know why i did it was a control issue. you can tell me what to do in wmy life but i can control what i put in my mouth sound familiar but instead of control my diet by not eating i controlled it by eating, usually in secret. other times when growing up i would send the family out of the kitchen dinning room with the offer to do the dishes, why so i could eat all the left overs they would not know. i never had my emmergency money when i was at school i ate it at macdonalds on the way home then had my dinner. after training as a young adult i would get hot chips to keep me companey on the walk home.
when i got my drivers liscene i allways offered to get the take away, this gave me an excuse to eat extra food on the way home, and then eat as per noraml for dinner. one occasion i went to a hamburger shop ordered what i thought was four hamburgers and chips, i ended up with ten rather then tell the person i wanted four not ten (yes i paid for them) i ate the extra six beofre home cause i was to scared to tell my famuily what happened and i was to scared to tell the shop assistance - i could have thrown them away but i ate them.......
when travelling i always found time to go of by myself so i could eat.....
when i fisrt started to loose weight about 6 years ago when ever people told me i was doing really well my first thought was you can not control me so i went shopping bought a paket of bbq shapes and some choclate and hid them in my bed room (was sharing a house at this stage) and ate them under my covers to prove no one controlled me
you get the picture, i could tell you more stories but for me it was control and contol is somthing i have learnt is somthing i can not control there are things i can and things i cannot i cannot control other people but i can control my reaction to them.


we all have a secret eating disorder i have many more, picinics was another fave of mine, they where usually private but they where not secret-- metwerst, cheese, pate and crackers but not one serve i would eat several. multiple serves of all of these. but i called them picinics


mid night snacks - ten or more slices of toast with cheese yum yum what about stoping after a late at work and getting two whooppers whith chips then going to bed and getting up at 0600/

my fave was hot chips and gravey at 1600 then falling asleep and figuring it was 1830 and time for dinner so having a whole family size pizza with garlic bread..


yep i had a few and i am sure you have a few stroires of your own

during high school buttered roll wiht chips was my fave recess snack folowed by a pastie or two at lunch

had better stop am feeling upset about what i did to myself i ma not this person any more secret eating is a thing of my past, but i still feel gulty if i eat crisps and feel like i am going to be judged

but as i said i can not control other peoples reactions but i can contol how i choose to react.////////////////////it is still a work in progress and somtimes i fell it would be so much easier to be fat but life is not about being easy it is about being the best version of me it is about steping out of my comfert zone it is about embrassing challanges it is about hugging as many people as i can find it as about living my life for me it is about me because it is my life it is also about supporting others like they supported me it is also about enjoyment so if i want to eat choclate get the best choclate ever made and eat with mindfullness if i want crisps do not gorge them in one mouth ful saviour the taste it is about not wasting time on things or people that bring me down it is about challanging my boundries it is not about secret shame it is about living shamlessley and about having fun whilst doing it i am reaching the seconed half of my century i have grafted and struggled now it is time to let loose and just enjoy life be who i am and follow my pathways will not call them dreams cause dreams are just that i am on the pathway to achieve what i want and yeo like most pathways it will have lumps and bumps and t junction but i don ot live in shame any more i donot live a secret life i live a life that is mine and only mine i will support those thaty want my support i will cheer on those i admire and i will always be here for my friends and i will never again eat a packet of bbq shapes under the covers and if some one sells my ten hamburgers i will question there hearing

break down leading to break through

yesterday i got anxious had not felt that way for such a long time, maybe it was the excitment of last weeks party and meeting lots of beautiful people some of whom i have got to know really well on twitter to find they are just as wonderful in real life was amazing. i had a photo taken of me that shows me smiling and looking relaxed perhaps the best ever photot taken of me i looked good that never happens in photos. it was a photot i did not know was being taken so it makes it even more wonderful for me. the 12wbt party for me was not as good as the dinner on friday night, but i did enjoy it and again found the people i was looking for you know who you are i went looking for you and i love you all and your amazing people. my other goal was to hug as many people as possible if i hugged you thankyou for letting a crazy stranger do that, initiating hugs is not somthing i do.

on the friday aftere the party i suddnely became anxious and teary it was like i suddenly could not cope with people any more so i was very proud of my self i aknowledged this and spent saturday by myself ususally i would have sent so me very odd messages to some on who we will not name but i have deleted his phone number from by telephone. by tuesday i saw my psychologist was getting really anxious by this stage can not really say why but i felt like things where getting to the stage where i could no longer live with my self and do not mean ending my life i mean make the changes i am making to make me a more outgoing and confident person, my default position is i am not good enough the world does not know i exist i am invisable, a couple of things latly have shown me this is not true but when your head is telling you other wise it does not always get through

i could have hidden, infact that is what i am doing today, having a nice quiet day at home, but have made a time to see a good friend for coffe and a walk, this is becoming a wednesday ritual.


but what i did realize is that i am so close to reaching my goal of 70 kg a massive 40 kg loss in 3 and half years, but i had moved the goal post and was aiminng for 62 kg. so i felt i could not celbrate this loss (only 1.9 kg to go) this bothered me and after having a nap yesterday and going to a training session by the way when your feeling down and angry and anxious a really good personal trainer can make you feel really good about yourself) i aslo messaged a 12wbt buddy and asked her to help me thank you have decided to stop re jig my goal back to 70 kg celebrate and reflect when i get there this is a big one and one i reallly did not think would ever come i still have other goals but they can wait i want to aim for this one and rejoice and saviour it yell it from the roof tops to all thoses who doubted me.

thankyou for listening my demons are still there but i am learning to beawre of them they are my past and you can give you self new self dialouge its only words and they can change but it is being aware that you are using them that needs to be aknowledged

bullying is not allowed in school and the work place bullying is called spousal abuse in the home or child abuse so why should we allow bullying or abuse of ourselves by oursleves. my self tak was that no one was going to tell me of worst then i would tell me self of i did a very good job now it is my turn to praise my self and if i need to to take time out for myslef away from people just to re charge the batteries cause i have so much to give and i want to hug all of you thankyou

break down keading to break through

if you can dream it you can achieve it

it is agust 28 2011 and i have just completed my first half marathon

i feel exhausted but estatic i am crying tears of joy relief and happiness plus i am lying on the ground and i am never moving nor running again - at least for another week.

the time does not matter but i think it took me three hours and 50 minutes not quick but hey i finished have any of you completed a half marathon.

the journey to get here was hard but i worked hard when i started training 15 weeks ago was rehabing from a calf injury and a 3 k run was a big run i also have lost another 10 kg and am sitting on very svelte 62 kg. the biggest challange i faced getting to this point was holding my self back i wanted to achive it all in one day but i learnt quickly that one day at a time was the way to go.

oh i and i also placed in the seconed place in the michell bridges 12 wwk body transformation, but had to run today so was unable to make the party weekend for me the last twelve weeks has been about challangeing my self and giving back to ohter who supported me over the years

oh you want to know what i am wearing, well at the moment i am sitting hear with my feet in a ice bucket but for my half marathon i wore a blue pair of nike frees and my trusty black target pants and red singlet also from target they are the only clothes that seem to suit my body shape the best plus they are in expensive... more money to spen on running shoes

would i have changed any thing that got me to this position - not a thing the tears and frustration and the gastro bug i got to get here where all worth while i wish to thank everyone on twitter and face book who got me here and a special thanks to the adelaide girls- they now who they are and to my personal trainer dave who taught me how to run and never let me forget that i was an athelte. and most of all my self i dared to dream and i lived that dream


thankyou

biggest loser

was watching biggest loser last night and i think i finally got it

last year i could not understand why they pushed away there image of there former fat self, i wondered why they did not emrace and nuture that fat self because after all it was them and if you do not love your self who is going to love you but last night i realized that by changing yourself you are not changing your histroy you are making a new future and to do that you have change your now history will always be that but you donot have to keep it close to you in fact if you are to move on and change your attitutude puting your past into the past is the best thing.

so i ambracing my now looking to the future and putting my past into the past and will look back only to see how far i have come as a person

my now is ot that of a fat person who was so scared of making a ripple in the fabric of life my now is of a woman looking to make her self fit and fabulous and making her mark on the world my future is still to be written but that is why its the future youo can make it what ever you want, yes like most people i have plans but these can be changed i have goals but goals are theree to be reassesed life is mine for the taking and i am not going to waste a seconed more dwelling on my past, unless i am talking to my counscellor and working out what i can do know to help me acheive my goal of loving my self and then inturn loving those around me

so my fat self is going away and my new self is looking for a short sparkley dress to show of what are probably the best legs in the southern hemisphere



love your self then like yourself and the world will folow