it is agust 28 2011 and i have just completed my first half marathon
i feel exhausted but estatic i am crying tears of joy relief and happiness plus i am lying on the ground and i am never moving nor running again - at least for another week.
the time does not matter but i think it took me three hours and 50 minutes not quick but hey i finished have any of you completed a half marathon.
the journey to get here was hard but i worked hard when i started training 15 weeks ago was rehabing from a calf injury and a 3 k run was a big run i also have lost another 10 kg and am sitting on very svelte 62 kg. the biggest challange i faced getting to this point was holding my self back i wanted to achive it all in one day but i learnt quickly that one day at a time was the way to go.
oh i and i also placed in the seconed place in the michell bridges 12 wwk body transformation, but had to run today so was unable to make the party weekend for me the last twelve weeks has been about challangeing my self and giving back to ohter who supported me over the years
oh you want to know what i am wearing, well at the moment i am sitting hear with my feet in a ice bucket but for my half marathon i wore a blue pair of nike frees and my trusty black target pants and red singlet also from target they are the only clothes that seem to suit my body shape the best plus they are in expensive... more money to spen on running shoes
would i have changed any thing that got me to this position - not a thing the tears and frustration and the gastro bug i got to get here where all worth while i wish to thank everyone on twitter and face book who got me here and a special thanks to the adelaide girls- they now who they are and to my personal trainer dave who taught me how to run and never let me forget that i was an athelte. and most of all my self i dared to dream and i lived that dream
thankyou
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
biggest loser
was watching biggest loser last night and i think i finally got it
last year i could not understand why they pushed away there image of there former fat self, i wondered why they did not emrace and nuture that fat self because after all it was them and if you do not love your self who is going to love you but last night i realized that by changing yourself you are not changing your histroy you are making a new future and to do that you have change your now history will always be that but you donot have to keep it close to you in fact if you are to move on and change your attitutude puting your past into the past is the best thing.
so i ambracing my now looking to the future and putting my past into the past and will look back only to see how far i have come as a person
my now is ot that of a fat person who was so scared of making a ripple in the fabric of life my now is of a woman looking to make her self fit and fabulous and making her mark on the world my future is still to be written but that is why its the future youo can make it what ever you want, yes like most people i have plans but these can be changed i have goals but goals are theree to be reassesed life is mine for the taking and i am not going to waste a seconed more dwelling on my past, unless i am talking to my counscellor and working out what i can do know to help me acheive my goal of loving my self and then inturn loving those around me
so my fat self is going away and my new self is looking for a short sparkley dress to show of what are probably the best legs in the southern hemisphere
love your self then like yourself and the world will folow
last year i could not understand why they pushed away there image of there former fat self, i wondered why they did not emrace and nuture that fat self because after all it was them and if you do not love your self who is going to love you but last night i realized that by changing yourself you are not changing your histroy you are making a new future and to do that you have change your now history will always be that but you donot have to keep it close to you in fact if you are to move on and change your attitutude puting your past into the past is the best thing.
so i ambracing my now looking to the future and putting my past into the past and will look back only to see how far i have come as a person
my now is ot that of a fat person who was so scared of making a ripple in the fabric of life my now is of a woman looking to make her self fit and fabulous and making her mark on the world my future is still to be written but that is why its the future youo can make it what ever you want, yes like most people i have plans but these can be changed i have goals but goals are theree to be reassesed life is mine for the taking and i am not going to waste a seconed more dwelling on my past, unless i am talking to my counscellor and working out what i can do know to help me acheive my goal of loving my self and then inturn loving those around me
so my fat self is going away and my new self is looking for a short sparkley dress to show of what are probably the best legs in the southern hemisphere
love your self then like yourself and the world will folow
Monday, April 25, 2011
happiness is just an emotion and can you use the phone in the toliet?
hi every one been over a year since i last blogged. much has happened to me since then some good some bad but to start with i finally went below 80 kg and am now 73 kg so only 3 kg to my goal weight of 70 kg big whoo hoo .
have learnt that happiness is an emotion and like saddness anger frustration and it passes this is normal can you imagine if we where happy 24 hours a day we would not appreciate joy when it occurs cause we where always in this state yep joy is an emeoetion and like happiness it is fleeting infact this morning i walked out doors and experinced joy that is was a beautiful day, i then experinced frustration that i still look to ther people for recognition a talent i am working very hard it ridding myself at see not all talents are good most are but this is one talent i can get rid of. but then i experinced the state that only good aerobic exercise can give you... and it was o nly a 20 minute run but for me that was joy had been grounded from running for 4 weeks and finally i am allowed to jog/walk the feeling at the end was one that is hard to explain unless you have already experinced it
i read somewhere that emotions will pass so i know joy and happiness will pass i have learnt to accept this and live in the moment what i alos need to accept is that anger and saddness will also pass and i should accpet that is well.
which brings me to the question CAN YOU USE THE PHONE IN THE TOLIET and how many of you twitter in the bathroom
i do some times the reception is better there then my lounge room and if it is going to be a long stop i might get bored (yes irratable bowel can be a pain) what do you think?
on a final note worked out this morning that loosing weight is not just about diet and exercise it is also about mind set i call this a three pronged apporach thhose doing michelle bridges 12 wek body transformation would already be fimiliar with this but i also realazied it needs self a circle surrounding the three prongs to make a wheel which goes around smoothly with out self to support the three prongs it is woobly and prone to break and if you donot have one of the prongs your ride is really bumpy.
so self is a lot of things it may some times be self ish or it self less self is inside you and we all have self just need to find it and hold on to it.. i lost my self after finding it and am still working hard at geting self back in me but each day i feel my heart wake up to me and feel good
there is know i in team but somtimes you need to be a team of one and if you are anything like me you have many lives family work friends study training and in each of theses lives you have different responsibilites and maybe even different personalities i know i do so you are a team of one juggling many expectations form many people the only person expectations you need to live up to are the ones you made for you self
speak soon
patricia
have learnt that happiness is an emotion and like saddness anger frustration and it passes this is normal can you imagine if we where happy 24 hours a day we would not appreciate joy when it occurs cause we where always in this state yep joy is an emeoetion and like happiness it is fleeting infact this morning i walked out doors and experinced joy that is was a beautiful day, i then experinced frustration that i still look to ther people for recognition a talent i am working very hard it ridding myself at see not all talents are good most are but this is one talent i can get rid of. but then i experinced the state that only good aerobic exercise can give you... and it was o nly a 20 minute run but for me that was joy had been grounded from running for 4 weeks and finally i am allowed to jog/walk the feeling at the end was one that is hard to explain unless you have already experinced it
i read somewhere that emotions will pass so i know joy and happiness will pass i have learnt to accept this and live in the moment what i alos need to accept is that anger and saddness will also pass and i should accpet that is well.
which brings me to the question CAN YOU USE THE PHONE IN THE TOLIET and how many of you twitter in the bathroom
i do some times the reception is better there then my lounge room and if it is going to be a long stop i might get bored (yes irratable bowel can be a pain) what do you think?
on a final note worked out this morning that loosing weight is not just about diet and exercise it is also about mind set i call this a three pronged apporach thhose doing michelle bridges 12 wek body transformation would already be fimiliar with this but i also realazied it needs self a circle surrounding the three prongs to make a wheel which goes around smoothly with out self to support the three prongs it is woobly and prone to break and if you donot have one of the prongs your ride is really bumpy.
so self is a lot of things it may some times be self ish or it self less self is inside you and we all have self just need to find it and hold on to it.. i lost my self after finding it and am still working hard at geting self back in me but each day i feel my heart wake up to me and feel good
there is know i in team but somtimes you need to be a team of one and if you are anything like me you have many lives family work friends study training and in each of theses lives you have different responsibilites and maybe even different personalities i know i do so you are a team of one juggling many expectations form many people the only person expectations you need to live up to are the ones you made for you self
speak soon
patricia
Sunday, July 18, 2010
where is my mind, not sure one minute it is up next it is down, neither of which i really like at the moment, why do i need other people to want me i do not know if i even want them to like me i just want them to need me have sabataged many a friend ship by my needeness and i am not sure if i stoped the friendship or they stoped it
was looking on friends face book status and had wished him a happy birthday he said thankyou but called some else darling this made me feel sad thisis a completly inappropriate response iknow this and you know this but why do i feel like this.
but the problemis i go that is a odd tway of thinking and this makes me even sadder forthinking like that
when i became loopy,hyperactive i want people to notice me but i do not have an of switch how do i get an of switch. am really scared i have some type of mental illnes besides garden variety depression and anxiety. wanted to be noticed at school somtimes iused to cry on the school outing in the hope that one of the teachers would notice me and askwhat was the matter. the thing is i did not now except i hated mysefl and felt issolated fromother people m(having a hearing impairment that my parents reffused to aknnowledge di not help in this missed so many conversations and got the wrongendof the stick it was not funny,people probably tried to befreind me but i did not always understand) have hearing aids now and my friendsno when i have notgot my ears in. yes i have friends now i am 48 and have not had a sexual relationship except once and that was notreally a relation ship that was aone of
how cani expect am man to love me if icannothonestly say i love my self howcan people like me if i donot allaways like myself am scared of other people rejecting me but how canthey not when i reject my self
what happens is this i get high on life and really loopy then i fall in a heap spend several days crying then foreever trying to get up again, until next time somtimes it takes a few moths befroe ifall lately it has been about 2 week and this timeis taking longer to get back up little things just trigger me work does not help having a person underming you continulaay does not help and then to discover that one of you colleagues went to her and told her about somthing i supposedly did on face book makes me mad especially whrn she then went a spoke to my very lovely job sharing colleague and told her some one needed to talk to me (ok imentioned on face book to a friend that myself and another girl had swaped a shift, not mention of the place of work what shift it was not patients were mentioned what the fuckwas wrong with that) well to be yelled at in front ofothers was not ideal doe sthis make sense
i know people are dying have divorces ill health family issues and my litle problems are not that important, this again makes me evenmadder at my self for not being able manage my life why can i not seemto make sense of my life i want to be healthy iwant to be fit i want to be strong i want to love myself and i want to not feellike i am pushing people away and i want to be able to laugh at my slef but i donot want to be loopy seeing gp tuesday and psychologist next week i am a survivor and i will survive but i need to take time for myself and learn to love
how can i be in a healthy relationship if i have som amny questions to be awnswered
was looking on friends face book status and had wished him a happy birthday he said thankyou but called some else darling this made me feel sad thisis a completly inappropriate response iknow this and you know this but why do i feel like this.
but the problemis i go that is a odd tway of thinking and this makes me even sadder forthinking like that
when i became loopy,hyperactive i want people to notice me but i do not have an of switch how do i get an of switch. am really scared i have some type of mental illnes besides garden variety depression and anxiety. wanted to be noticed at school somtimes iused to cry on the school outing in the hope that one of the teachers would notice me and askwhat was the matter. the thing is i did not now except i hated mysefl and felt issolated fromother people m(having a hearing impairment that my parents reffused to aknnowledge di not help in this missed so many conversations and got the wrongendof the stick it was not funny,people probably tried to befreind me but i did not always understand) have hearing aids now and my friendsno when i have notgot my ears in. yes i have friends now i am 48 and have not had a sexual relationship except once and that was notreally a relation ship that was aone of
how cani expect am man to love me if icannothonestly say i love my self howcan people like me if i donot allaways like myself am scared of other people rejecting me but how canthey not when i reject my self
what happens is this i get high on life and really loopy then i fall in a heap spend several days crying then foreever trying to get up again, until next time somtimes it takes a few moths befroe ifall lately it has been about 2 week and this timeis taking longer to get back up little things just trigger me work does not help having a person underming you continulaay does not help and then to discover that one of you colleagues went to her and told her about somthing i supposedly did on face book makes me mad especially whrn she then went a spoke to my very lovely job sharing colleague and told her some one needed to talk to me (ok imentioned on face book to a friend that myself and another girl had swaped a shift, not mention of the place of work what shift it was not patients were mentioned what the fuckwas wrong with that) well to be yelled at in front ofothers was not ideal doe sthis make sense
i know people are dying have divorces ill health family issues and my litle problems are not that important, this again makes me evenmadder at my self for not being able manage my life why can i not seemto make sense of my life i want to be healthy iwant to be fit i want to be strong i want to love myself and i want to not feellike i am pushing people away and i want to be able to laugh at my slef but i donot want to be loopy seeing gp tuesday and psychologist next week i am a survivor and i will survive but i need to take time for myself and learn to love
how can i be in a healthy relationship if i have som amny questions to be awnswered
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
sabotage again
a few weeks ago my weight was coming down, made a plan that by birthday the end of august i would be 79.9 kg and by my pts birthday in mid july i would be 82.5 was 84.2 at the time my weight has not gone down it is creeping up (85.1) i now this is not a big change but with the amount of exercise i do it should be coming down why is it not, diet and only diet.
it is like i get close to a mini goal and i never make it i do not think i deliberitly sabotage it is not like i binge eat but i am scared of success and by failing at my weight loss i now it is ok to fail at life, and that it is ok to be the class clown, but i am also scared that if i reach a certain weight people will leave me as i wont need them any more, i might not need them any more as well which is somthing i had not thought about before, the thought that I MIGHT NEED THEM ANY MORE has never really crossed my mind i need to be needed but do need to have people ok this is a thought that i may have to think about
was talking with my pt some one how i have had for three years and he said that normally people only stay about 3 - 6 months then they are ready to move on, i am not ready to move on from him but i also have a major fear of rejection and people not wanting me any more but ithen become attached to them in an unhealthy way. he was telling me today of his knee and it sounds serious and i was really scared he would not be around for a while and i felt panic that he was going and would not be there, then we were speaking of my diet which whilst on a whole is good i still make stupid choices and i asked if i frustrated him the answer was yes i work harder then most people in that gym but i sabotage it each time
why do i do this fear lack of self esteem self worth i do not know also i think about food continually do people do this and i also think that when i get old where will i get my snacks from when i in a nursing home is this normal to think about where i am going to get food from in my old age i amterrified i am going tobe alone with no one to love me i am alsoscared that if some did love me would i be able tolove back have igot the abiliy to be in a relationship i am 48 and never had one why i am terrified thatpeople will find thereis nothing between my brain soi hide behind humor and being the class clown
what haapened today i became high on sugar not a good thing became loopy then woosh the fall i knew the fall was going to come it is like when i amhappy i get to exicted then i fall
it is like i get close to a mini goal and i never make it i do not think i deliberitly sabotage it is not like i binge eat but i am scared of success and by failing at my weight loss i now it is ok to fail at life, and that it is ok to be the class clown, but i am also scared that if i reach a certain weight people will leave me as i wont need them any more, i might not need them any more as well which is somthing i had not thought about before, the thought that I MIGHT NEED THEM ANY MORE has never really crossed my mind i need to be needed but do need to have people ok this is a thought that i may have to think about
was talking with my pt some one how i have had for three years and he said that normally people only stay about 3 - 6 months then they are ready to move on, i am not ready to move on from him but i also have a major fear of rejection and people not wanting me any more but ithen become attached to them in an unhealthy way. he was telling me today of his knee and it sounds serious and i was really scared he would not be around for a while and i felt panic that he was going and would not be there, then we were speaking of my diet which whilst on a whole is good i still make stupid choices and i asked if i frustrated him the answer was yes i work harder then most people in that gym but i sabotage it each time
why do i do this fear lack of self esteem self worth i do not know also i think about food continually do people do this and i also think that when i get old where will i get my snacks from when i in a nursing home is this normal to think about where i am going to get food from in my old age i amterrified i am going tobe alone with no one to love me i am alsoscared that if some did love me would i be able tolove back have igot the abiliy to be in a relationship i am 48 and never had one why i am terrified thatpeople will find thereis nothing between my brain soi hide behind humor and being the class clown
what haapened today i became high on sugar not a good thing became loopy then woosh the fall i knew the fall was going to come it is like when i amhappy i get to exicted then i fall
Monday, July 5, 2010
is it ok to be proud
last night was feeling well and my mind was were it should be, had planned to go to bed at 2130 and meditate, somthing i have not done for a while, but the mind decided to come out and play, why cause my flat mate came home and does not like to talk ab out her tennis game and i have heard she is good. this lead me to thinking about how proud i felt after my mini triatholon series last year, for me to actulaly sign up was a big thing and i really enjoyed them and came firsst in my age group (45-49) ok i was the only one in that age group and i did come like 3rd to last but i did it 2min faster then my goal that was set by my pt and about 10 min faster then my goal so i was proud even got a cup which i proudly showed at work the following day and at my gym, and whilst i did not tell everyone at the gym i was soon knownas the girl who did triatholons all of which made me proud. i am not a natural athelte but work damm hard to achive what i do.
why did i get confused last night i kept thinking that maybe this was not somthing i should be sharing with people and that i should keep it to myself until i actually have achieved somthing. but i did achieve and i am proud so i am going to shout it form the roof tops
i did not eat my feelings, instead i put it on twitter (thankyou aussie leo for you response) and emailed a really goood mentor of mine went to sleep and woke up with the will to achive even greater things,i am not competing against anyone my goal are mine and i will be proud.
why did i get confused last night i kept thinking that maybe this was not somthing i should be sharing with people and that i should keep it to myself until i actually have achieved somthing. but i did achieve and i am proud so i am going to shout it form the roof tops
i did not eat my feelings, instead i put it on twitter (thankyou aussie leo for you response) and emailed a really goood mentor of mine went to sleep and woke up with the will to achive even greater things,i am not competing against anyone my goal are mine and i will be proud.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
do i do i not
hi is out of the fire into the flammes. am moving out of my current accomadation share rental (for the last 15 years) and buying a house with my sister. but in the mean time and moving in with my sister in her rental house to save money (rent free)we are not that close and she knows none of my secrets and we do not really socialize, but we have the same child hood, though she had friends and i did not she was popular and i was not, god thinking about this makes me sad but there is one thing i can argue with her and she is my sister so she isnot allowed to hate me for that and i can tell her to cleanup her mess. the plan is to rent for six months wilst i save money about 600 a fortnight and get more money for the deposit. then we will but together looking for a larger house sowe have are own space and twobathrooms are a must.
she is quite controling over me and feels she can tell me how to dress do my hair (remember i am 47 and a year older then her) so it is a good move to move in butiam going to make sure i maintain my independence and identidy,
growing up she was always the more beautiful and slimmer and my parents wanted me to look like her what am i thinking still confused but is it to late the wheels are in motion and i have to move out of my current accomadation the girl i share with is driving me insane, hope fully are friendship will rekindle when we donot see each other every day but i am thinking it will just evapeorte which will be very sad, soi hope it does not. my sister will always be my sister wether i live with her or not so i will buy a house with her does not mean it has to be fore ever thankyou for listening
she is quite controling over me and feels she can tell me how to dress do my hair (remember i am 47 and a year older then her) so it is a good move to move in butiam going to make sure i maintain my independence and identidy,
growing up she was always the more beautiful and slimmer and my parents wanted me to look like her what am i thinking still confused but is it to late the wheels are in motion and i have to move out of my current accomadation the girl i share with is driving me insane, hope fully are friendship will rekindle when we donot see each other every day but i am thinking it will just evapeorte which will be very sad, soi hope it does not. my sister will always be my sister wether i live with her or not so i will buy a house with her does not mean it has to be fore ever thankyou for listening
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